Million Things Happening at the Same Time

So, it's been a while since I published a post here. Kinda like when you open a box up in the attic, you brush off the dust on top of the book and put it on a table and start writing on the half-eaten paper (Damn silverfish!).

Now that I have Rambling Rizal on my podcast, I have nothing mind-blowing to share here, but I just wanna vent out that I am having a mild freak-out for almost 2 days.

As you all know, I'll be bringing Rambling Monkeys to YouTube (Worry not, I'll still be publishing in Soundcloud, so people can listen in iTunes and Stitcher). That's one thing I have to establish. Now, I have ideas to kickstart other new shows under Rambling Monkeys Channel, aside from the main channel in interviewing interesting people with interesting lives. There are 3 new shows, as follows:

1) Royal Rambles

I just started this show, it's all about Wrestling. I got 3 people to host this show: Belvin, Arvind and Suresh. They'll invite a guest once in a while and discuss on everything that has to do with wrestling. It's a bi-monthly show (that means twice a month) so it won't take up much of my time. This one will have a specific schedule so I gotta be free during that time. I won't be in it, but I'll be the uhhh... producer? Also, the sound guy, controlling the volume and stuff. Wait, I do that when I'm hosting too, so it's normal. Yeah, check it out yo! The first episode is out!

2) Ready, Set, Ramble!

Alright, you know that I've reviewed movies with Megat Danial and Balya Ariff, so NOW I want to separate this from the main show and make it a new show. So Ready, Set, Ramble! is pretty much the same, just that it has its own show. There will be more people involved, not only Megat Danial & Balya Ariff. I might invite others, who are film buffs to review new movies. I will be involved in the reviews, BUT if I haven't watched the movie, I might just be the guy behind the scenes and let the guests talk. However, I will do my best to watch all the movies and record the review with them. This won't have a fixed schedule, just when a movie comes out and we wanna review it, then we'll record an episode.

3) Rambling Gamers

Yes, this is also in the podcast, given its own show and we'll review games! Yeay! Okay, it's the same as the Movie Show, except this will be about video games. This also won't have any fixed schedules, we'll pick a game that we all play and then review it. So, it's seasonal. This one I'll be in the show for every game review.

4) The Zamzul Rizal Show (TZRS, for short)

Okay, that's just a fancy name for vlogging. Yes, I will shamelessly vlog about stuff in my life. This won't be a daily vlog or weekly vlog. This will be "I'll vlog whenever I feel like vlogging, okay?" type of vlogging. I will try to make my life as interesting and eventful as possible so people will watch it. I might start this next month. Eheheheh... All I need is to buy a video editing software and I'm good. Oh and Rambling Rizal will be transferred here!


For those who asked what is the brand of the camera I bought, it's a CANON EOS M3. The reason I bought that camera is because it has an external mic input. I bought a RODE VIDEOMICRO. We all know the built in mic in those type of cameras are awful. Gotta fork out a bit for good sound quality.

Okay, it's not LITERALLY million things happening at the same time, but I'm leading these shows and hopefully make something out of it. Also, as much as I would like to add more... These shows are more than enough for me. I don't want to break down by adding more problems. You have to remember, setting up the equipment, the actual recording and then post recording (editing). Yeah, that's a lot to just upload ONE episode.

Before I end this post, I'm actually working on a short story (or film?) and my friends Yen and Aan are helping me especially the script. I laid out the story line and now it needs dialogues. After that, find talents and then shooting! This might take a long time but hey, it's my first time and it's my story. I really want this to happen.

There's another project I'm working on (Damn Rizal, that's a lot of stuff you're involved in!) but I can't say much. It's in the early stages and I don't want to spoil it.

There, that's all. I wanna end this post by telling you peeps who are reading this: If it's possible, just do it. So peace, yo! See you in 2020 where I mysteriously publish another post, hopefully about married life and problems of being famous. Ahahah!

Nah, I'll try to publish stuff here regularly. Hopefully. Can't promise that. Yeah, goodbye.

-Raziel Rizalinium-

The Unkindled

The echo inside my head

Pounding hard to burst out

Those words I should have said

Screams lies that I know nothing about

A daylight jump scare

Drags down my dreams

Changes to a nightmare

A whisper, turns into a deafening scream

I'm not your man
Find me if you can

I'm not your lover
Lost and undiscovered

I'm just a shadow
Life left me hollow

Fading in the background

Gone without a sound

I prefer not to speak
I'm an irrelevant freak

I prefer not to write
I see darkness in light

I carved a hole in my heart
I'm the idiot who is smart

I numb the pain inside

So I feel validated on the underside

No Title, Part 1: Memories and Revelations

Disclamer: Yeah, yeah, fictional characters, got any same name, it's just a coincidence, nothing to do with anyone dead or alive, but some are based on. Got no title yet, characters names not confirmed yet, just a pilot. Comment on it, please, if I need any correction or improvement. Enjoy!

“Damn!” He tossed the crumpled paper to the wall. Another failure. Another half-baked plot which didn’t make any sense to him at all. This was very, very bad for Nate. It has been months since he started to write another novel, but no idea had come to him. No spark from his muse that had been his lone companion in delivering the best lines of his life. Now, that lovely time has gone and living seems like a waste of time.

It was raining heavily outside, lightning piercing the atmosphere which he felt the sudden jolt when the floor rumbled at his humble abode.  The cigarette between his fingers has lost its flavour, and he threw it out of the window, and after a long body stretch, he stared outside, looking at Mother Nature’s rage, screaming like a banshee, obliterating trees along the road with her strong gale and roaring storm.

The success of his first novel, The Grand Passion was just a distant memory he’d love to have back. That feeling of people loving the stories that based loosely on his scandalous adventures, amorous liaisons, made him a rich man along the way to stardom. The readers always and will always love to read scandals. However, karma taught him a lesson that what comes up, must come down. He felt that sinking feeling that he will be that author who only has one great book and what comes after are horrible and crap. That thought has disturbed for months and left him sleepless especially nights like this. He also felt abandoned by his fans, family and friends, and his best friends, Sal and Daniel.

Sal, also known as Sally, is his best friend since his childhood days, alongside with his comrade-in-arms and best buddy, Daniel.  They were the epitome of mischievous and trouble in their younger days. How happy and blissful those days were, until 2 years ago.

Daniel married Sally. That hit him like a curve ball out of nowhere, hitting him below the belt. It was expected that those two were in love during their university days. The looks that they gave were obvious, looks of a couple both madly in love. They dated for another 2 years before tying the knot, on that cold winter month of December. He felt uncomfortable just to look at them and felt like the odd person out of the picture which they have painted for themselves, forgetting him like a shadow disappearing when the sun comes down. They had their honeymoon in Southern France and now, living happily as husband and wife.

He didn’t like that pinch of jealousy inside him swelling and telling him that he should be marrying her, as he has secretly loved her for years, but he was afraid to hurt Dan’s feelings. He just stepped down and let Dan took rein over her and woo her and finally, asked for her hand in marriage. It made him feel sick just rewinding those bitter memories which he thinks are better buried deep, deep down in a Pit of Regrets.

After the wedding, he retreated back home and became a recluse, only going to out to socialize with his other friends, or acquaintances, down at the bar, watching football on weekends. He went back during the holidays to meet his parents, trying his best to avoid Sal and Dan, but it was impossible. They will surely come over to his parents home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, as they live nearby. That awkward moment when you try to initiate a conversation with them but you see that they were displaying public affection on the dinner table and at the living room. It made him feel uneasy that he always went outside to have a smoke and not come back for an hour or two. Nobody cared if he was off for a long time. He was in his own world, thinking about his next book, his next fictional adventure. Anything to take away from looking at his 2 best friends making out and imagining them making love in the bedroom, or anywhere that was possible to do the deed. 

In the span of 2 years, he churned out only 2 books, but they didn't do as well as his first. Goodreads comments were getting toxic, criticizing and comparing his first book with the new ones, saying he has lost his touch, his writings were becoming more broody and the progression of his story were getting too predictable. The female character in every book were the same, but with different names.

The female character that almost looks like Sal.

He decided to take a break for 4 months after the 3rd book and then start again, with a clear head, a carton of cigarettes and a good bottle of whisky. However, after that wedding, it affected his writings. He couldn't imagine or describe something with finesse. He was getting more and more belligerent and tactless in his writings. His latest books could pass off as a borderline erotica and less of a romance. Surprisingly, the publisher didn't mind, thinking it might attract new readers. Well, it did, but not that much. He tried so hard to capture the essence of the infatuation, lust and love. Heh, LOVE. Maybe he has lost faith in love. Maybe that's why he's been getting writers block these past few weeks.

He ruffled his hair, took a deep breath and looked up at his ceiling that was making a creaking sound because of the strong winds blowing outside. If the storm goes on for another hour or two, there will be a leak somewhere. The creaking pattern of the ceiling soothed him. Hypnotically, it helped him relieve his stress of not being able to write and not think about his past regrets. As he couldn't write anything and it was getting late, he decided to hit the sack and maybe take a walk early in the morning, with fresh air in his lungs. The nicotine had lost its appeal. 

As he was heading to his bedroom, suddenly, there was a loud knock on his front door, that woke him from his stupor. He didn’t know there was anybody willing to call on him at this weather, also late at night. He walked cautiously to the front door and peeked at the window to see who it was. He was shocked to see who was standing, shivering wildly because of the cold rain.

It was Sal, drenched from head to toe, looking sad and possibly crying in the rain. She must’ve drove miles away from her house just to meet him. It has been a full 4 months since the he met her, during Christmas. She looked beautiful as always, wearing her green sweater and a windbreaker couldn’t even hide her goddess-like physique, that brown hair and deep blue eyes and to top it all was her skin tight jeans, showing her long, sexy legs and her round bottom. She looked elegant even drenched in rain . However, he needed to put that thought out of the window. She was married to his best friend, who's also one of her best friends. Friends help each other without having lust controlling the mind but concern and being helpful when one is in trouble or facing problems.  Something was wrong, and he felt that he needs to eke out the truth behind this sudden meeting.

“What the hell are you doing? Come inside, don’t just stand there.” He grabbed her and quickly closed the door so the neighbours didn’t see her standing in front of his house. “Before you explain yourself, go take a hot bath and we’ll have a long talk about this”. What in God’s name was she thinking, running away like this? Daniel must be worried sick.

“OK, Nate, but don’t call Dan. Trust me, I’ll tell you everything why I’m doing this.” With a worried face,  she helped herself to his bathroom and took a shower.

After waiting for her for at least 15 minutes, drinking two cups of hot coffee to keep him awake, she finally finished showering, wearing his over-large bath robe, looking more like a monk, trying to stare with him with that piercing gaze that could cut him to pieces. She sat calmly next to him with a stern but pleading gaze.

“OK, now can you tell me what’s going on? Does Dan know you’re here? What made you come here, anyway? Did you have a fight….” Without warning, she broke down crying, rushing to him for a hug. Suddenly, that uneasy feeling of platonic friendship and lust raged in a battle that is trying to win over his emotion. He tried kicking himself in his head, trying to make sense out of this. She is married. Married women are out-of-bounds. This is not like one of his stories in The Grand Passion, where the character dallies with married women just for the fun of it.

“I’ve been so stupid all along. I shouldn’t marry him in the first place. I know that this was the biggest mistake of my life. I thought he loved me, but…” Her words trailed with sounds of sobs and sniffs and choked with tears trailing down her puffy eyes.

“But what? What happened, Sal? Did Dan hurt you? Did he do anything stupid?” Dan can sometimes be a bit reckless and outspoken, hurting others without knowing with his sharp tongue and ill-choice of words, but then, that’s normal when you are friends for more than 20 years.

“No. He’s cheating, Nate. He’s having an affair with his partner in business. Coming home late, extra work in the weekends. He’s neglecting me. We haven’t had any real conversation for weeks. I confronted him and he said the workload is too much and he is needed everywhere. I don’t believe him, Nate.” She buried her face on his shoulder, letting it all out.

“Dan? Daniel? The Daniel, our friend for almost 20 years, cheating? I think it’s hard to  believe. Don’t you think that he’s really overworked, and that having a female partner in business is just sparking your untoward jealousy over her?” No way Dan cheated on her, he loved her to Death. He was protective and even tried to clobber him when he even stared her with a demeaning look.

“What?!” Her voice changed. She was furious, and it was showing as she turns red and her fist was clenching his shoulder and it felt like his shoulders were going to be ripped out of his body. “You don’t believe me? I thought you would at least show some sympathy for me and trust me. If you think I’m lying, I have proof that he has been cheating on me.” She stood up, took her bag and took out a handful of pictures and threw it and his desk.

They were pictures of Dan, no doubt about it, with an attractive blonde, tall and slender, having a good time at a fancy restaurant, having lunch. Another, they were shopping at a lingerie store. Other photos were just them walking; holding hands together, but one picture caught his eye.

“Oh, you saw that photo, huh? A photo of him kissing his “business partner” near the fountain. Now you see it?” She jabbed the desk and he feared it will break in two.

“Where did you get these pictures?”

“I followed him, of course. One can never be too trusting when excuses like that are given and one just wave it off like that.” She calmed down, sat next to him, slouching at the end of the sofa. "

“Bloody hell. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know Dan could be such…. an ass. Maybe I need to talk some sense out of him…”

“NO! That won’t do. He’ll eventually know that I’ve been following him around, taking these pictures and taking them to you. It’d cause mayhem. I don’t want our friendship to be broken because of this.”

“Well, I can tell you he’s an idiot for doing this to you. Can’t believe… Dan… doing this?” By Jove he’d beat the crap out of him and leave him to rot and die for all he cares. “By the way, where is Dan right now?”

“Outstation, with his “business partner” in New York. They must have a great time, walking in Central Park, having hot…”

He cleared his throat loudly. She stopped and looked at him. “Well, I do need a place to sleep. With the weather getting worse, I don’t think I can go back home now.”

“Yeah, you can sleep here. The couch is comfortable enough. In the morning, if the weather turns out good, I’ll follow you back home. I can visit my parents along the way.” His parents lived only 5 miles away from Sal and Dan. He needed to talk to his parents about this grave situation, preferably away from Sal. 

“Nate, can you sit next to me, for the night. I don’t want to be alone. I feel sad when I’m alone, and it makes me feel worse.”

The thought of him cuddling with her on the sofa with her wearing nothing but a bath robe is the thing he doesn’t want to be experiencing right now. He shouldn’t take advantage of her right now, not ever. However, what are friends are for? “Sure, I’ll be here with you all night if you want to.”

“Thank you.”

“Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?” He tried to smile an innocent smile, and she smiled too. In his head, this is going the opposite of well, or is this what he wanted all along? Alone, with the woman he loved secretly for god-knows how long.

He held her while she cuddled on him to get some sleep for a full hour, but then, she had this quizzical look on her that made him uncomfortable. Like a confession, or a statement that she’ll be blurting out any second.

“Nate, can I ask you something?”

“Yep, what is it?” He tried to put on that innocent look on her, but he’s so transparent that she can see right through him.

“Well, between us, well…. I don’t know how to say this. Do you have feelings for me?”

Oh God, his worst case scenario has been made true. How to answer this question? Think, Nate, think!

“Feelings? Like friends? Well yes, I do.” Okay, play that innocent card again.

She felt unsatisfied with his answer, and knows that he’s just beating around the bush with her. “No, no. I mean, real feelings. Something more than friends. Affection.” That’ll make him feel trapped.

“Affection? More than friends?” He couldn’t get away from this situation. Only way is to lie straight to her face. “No,no. You’re married. We’re friends. I’m not gonna succumb into an affair, especially with my best friend, married to my other best friend. Well, acquaintance, or fellow.” If he lives that long when they meet face-to-face.

“For a guy who writes romance novels, you are a bad liar. I know. I’ve been reading that book of yours. Quite… adventurous, I’d say.” She suddenly smiled a wicked smile at him.

“You read my book?” Oh damn, she knows that all the female characters are based on her, with fragments of her physical description split to many women in the book. “I thought you don’t read my book. Too soft for a hardy woman like you.”

“Well, I did. I’m a bit curious about the female characters you invented. They all have at least deep, watery blue eyes, with luscious lips and long legs. I can make a hazard guess who you were “borrowing” those features from.”

“My next-door-neighbour?” Oh, nice move, idiot. Your next door neighbour is a 60-year old man who does nothing but cranking up oldies songs and getting drunk and passing out on the porch.

“No, me. You’ve been fantasizing about me, have you? Just admit it. I won’t get angry. I have a husband cheating in New York and I’m not surprised with any revelations that my best friend is actually having sexual fanta-”

“OK,OK. I admit it. I loved you since college. We never parted from each other until my fall from grace in being an author and you marrying Dan.  You never talked to me, texted me, no typing a post on Facebook –“

He rambled on and on until she put her finger on his lips, quieting him, effectively. She sat straight and looked straight to his confused eyes. “Why haven’t you told me about your deep feelings to me?” A simple question to ask, but for Nate, it will be a hell lot of words coming out of his mouth.

“Because I don’t want Dan and me to be rivals. I don’t want our friendship to be broken because we are trying to woo you. I’m being a gentleman here. Dan wanted you more than Life. He always told me that you are the one for him. He’d rather die than see you with another man.”

“You’re a coward, you know that? Being a gentleman, my ass. You should at least put up a fight. You don’t know my feelings until you tell me yours. How dare you think I’m that predictable and think I love Dan with all my heart and soul -“

“What? You mean you don’t love Dan?” Well, this is interesting. Too interesting.

“No, you stupid man. I love you! I’ve made a horrible mistake in marrying a man I don’t love. I thought you were playing with my feelings and I thought you weren’t interested in me. At least Dan showed his feelings towards me. Mostly his feelings, but not mine. I loved you the moment I realized when we were in university.”

Awkward silence stalled the conversation. Nate was so shocked by this revelation. He couldn’t breathe properly after that sentenced was thrown with force towards him. His body felt numb. He couldn’t think straight. He tried to say something back, but he stuttered.

“Stuttering, are we? That made you genuinely shocked.”

“Well… yeah.. I… uhh... – “

“And now, you owe me a kiss.” She grinned with a glint in her eyes.

“Wha-? A what?”

“A kiss. Seriously, have you gone dumb or are you just teasing me? I feel that those years we have lost pursuing the wrong profession and the wrong person, we should try out kissing. You know, if those feelings we have are real or not.”

“Well, if you insist-“

“I insist it very much.”

Then, their faces were level, and he parted his lips and matched it with hers. The fusion of their lips seems incredible. She tasted like fine wine and strawberry, sweet and succulent. His lips plundered her mouth like a conqueror invading a sought out land. She kissed him back, with enthusiasm.  God, how he wished this kiss would last forever, he would die as a happy man, if he is meant to die after this. However, this forbidden love shouldn’t stop here.

He pulled away from the kiss, slowly savouring the taste  in his mouth. While looking at her face, filled with ecstasy and lust.

“Well, my word. That was something, isn’t it?” She felt that her knees would unbuckle and she would fall down the floor, boneless from that kiss.

He felt triumph, bravery flowing through him. He needed to do something bold, like tear that robe off and make love with her on the spot, but planning is important in making this unity much, much more pleasurable and wicked and fun.

He scooped her off the sofa, carrying her like she was weightless and kissed her more until he felt that feeling of lust kicking in his system.

“My, getting bold are we? And where are you going, carrying me like this? To an empty library, or on a darkened terrace, my lord?” She emphasized “my lord” with such a naughty, husky voice. She was re-enacting a scene in his books where the main character carried one of his lovers to an empty library and made love of the sofa.

Oh, God, he couldn't stand this teasing anymore.  He’d better make this quick, or he’ll collapse from sheer ecstasy of her voice. “Well, I don’t have a library, and there is a balcony upstairs, but I don’t want to shock the neighbours with you screaming, pleading, for me to service you quite thoroughly. A bed will do, my lady.” He didn’t know what this feeling is, even after sleeping with countless women in the past, this is different, but it was a hell lot better than being alone and bitter.

“Well, shall we go to the bed then?” She rubbed his strong chest, circling it with her fingers.

Damn, here it goes. “Yes, and I will have my way with you, underneath me, screaming out my name, on my bed. Multiple times.”

“How exciting and scandalous of you. To make love with a married woman who just found out about his husband’s infidelity. You can write a story out of this.”

He smiled wolfishly. A great story indeed. His muse has come back to him after months abandoning him. But first…

 He carried her to the bedroom, he kissed her deeply as a confirmation that this is real and not some dream he is having many times alone in his bedroom. Tonight will be a special night for him and the weather can’t make it any worse, as he is with the woman she loved, ready and wanting for him to make wild, passionate love…

I Came Back From The Dead... To Type This Blog Post!

If you're reading this, stop, don't panic, it's me, Rizal. I know I've been out for months in here. Deep breaths, breathe in.... breathe out...

Okay, hey readers! I'm back! Typing is such a drag actually, but sometimes it's better off typing in my thoughts rather than saying it in the podcast. Oh hey, in case you didn't know, I have 24 episodes uploaded on Soundcloud! Rambling Monkeys Podcast is booming. People are listening to it every week and I get to meet awesome people along the way.

You see, I've been working for almost, what, more than 2 years now? I haven't had a decent days off or vacation to relax and contemplate about my life. Going back to meeting new people, it's cool to meet them, but sometimes, I've been so out of touch with reality, when I meet real people to talk too, I don't want them to go away or leave, and at the same time, I just wanted them to just stand there, but not talk to me. It's confusing, I want someone there but not talk to me. Even I confuse myself with this train of thought.

Meeting new people from the podcast, I get to see how they think, how they response, how they articulate their words, their emotions towards a topic, their body language. I just can't seem to stop analyzing and making people uncomfortable with me staring straight at them when I talk. If looks could kill, I'd get my ass thrown in jail and the key melted so I'll be locked in a delusional cell forever.

I love the interaction of people, something we take for granted, Maybe, maybe you guys meet your friends everyday. I don't. I sometimes don't meet anyone at all, except my colleagues and family members. Also, social media (I'm a Twitter junkie, and screw off Facebook!) isn't helping. I need people right in front of me, existing in front of me. Talking to me. Ask anyone that has met me. I can go on for hours, changing topics to other topics to gossiping to politics to pop culture to jokes, yada yada yada... THAT'S ME.

That's just me. I think we are losing the fundamental thing in communication which is face-to-face communication. You listen to their tone, serious, happy, sad, sarcastic, angry, etc. instead of using emoticons, emojis or dots and lines ;-[ (Yeah, I'm looking like this when I'm typing this). It's like I'm being given some shitty, cloned medicine just to get by, day by day. However, that loneliness and that fear of abandonment and being ignored has been successfully eradicated from my brain. Well, not really gone gone, but at least it's not there to control my thoughts and deteriorate my mental state.

I miss my Uni days, Masters, not degree, didn't enjoy my degree days one bit (too many dramas and shit to do just to survive 3 years). I will always have someone to sit with me, eat with me and tak about almost anything I can elaborate or give opinions about. That was the peak of my life, I was losing weight because I was happy. I had spare time to even run on the treadmill 2 times per day!

Now, stress from work, paying my parents, bills and then gas money, Touch N' Go needs to be topped up... I feel tired every night. I wanna go out on a vacation, but I dunno where or who to go with. The happiness of being a working adult is a fantasy. There's nothing fun about being an adult. Freedom is not served on a platter because you are an adult, it is actually tied to responsibilities, acting civil all the time, watch what you say in social media, pay taxes, etc. It's suppressing my creative juice. I tried my very best to be creative, to write a poem. One God damn poem. I failed. Miserably. Even with the podcast, still, I am in a standstill, pushing a boulder uphill, feeling relaxed when it hits a flat side of a surface, but you know you have to push it again to go to the next flat surface of the hill.

Maybe dreading is also killing my vibe ( or mojo, whatever kids call it nowadays). I have become a bit of a pessimist. A cynic that sees the world as a selfish machine running in hate fuel, RON92 type of fuel. No, RON88 EURO1, dirtier than the fuel that we use now. We are driven by self promotion, yearning for other people's acceptance and people taking notice about our existence and credibility as a functioning society of the new, millennial generation. All I wanted, is just people talking to me, doesn't matter who. Talk about something we both like. Looking at me, I'm an omnivore when in comes to knowledge. I consume everything. As long as it is something useful and interesting, I'd totally be all over it.

Just think about it, a life where our mouths are just used for eating, but not talking, because we freakin' talk in social media. We might as well sign up as a handicapped person, a mute. There's something about the voice and the vibration in the right decibel of someone dropping knowledge about anything, makes me feel calm and relax. I smile and appreciate their energy in telling their thoughts, opinions, or rants. I don't care, I don't discriminate. I listen to everything, I may disagree with what you said but at least it is SPOKEN. I admire people like that. Wish I could be that person one day. Not as a teacher, but the bearer of new found information or knowledge to make our lives better.

For now, I jack off to Naughty Allie and read 1984 when I have the time. Most of the time I'm playing video games. Another stress reliever, but without communication. This is an exception. I enjoy playing games,but wish I could talk about it with my family though. Hey, Fallout 4 will be released next week. Pre-ordered the Pip Boy Edition baby! I'm gonna wear that over-sized smart watch to work. Hahaha! ALL ABOARD THE HYPE TRAIN!

On the other hand, maybe I need to get married. Maybe. I'm not sure. Dunno if I'm ready. Maybe I'm just horny. Maybe I need to find another word for maybe to stop the over usage of maybes in this post.

Alright, wanted to talk some more, but I am at my limits before the writer block smashes my hands, turning me into an invalid. Brain also woozy after 5 days of work. Yeah, before I go, check out my Podcast: Rambling Monkeys Podcast, where I post episodes talking with guests and we talk about random things and I got to interview Rizal van Geyzel! I was a nervous wreck but I persevered and passed the interview with flying colours. Like it on Facebook, baby: RMP Facebook Page and follow the podcast on Twitter too, darling: @RamblingMonkeys. Be a good Samaritan and Like, Follow and Listen to the episode. If you like it, tell your friends and family about it. Pretty please? With a cherry on top?

See ya next time (I hope you will be more consistent in here Rizal. Don't abandon your blog, mmmkay?) and remember, in every cynic, deep down there is a disappointed idealist. Goodbye and have a good day!

-Raziel Rizalinium-

Day 5: 1 Wedding and Shopping for Stuffs I Kinda Need

Phew, today is tiring day. From my house, my parents and I went to a wedding in Lenggeng, Negeri Sembilan. I told my dad that I really wanted to buy the shoes he bought in Takasima. So, from Lenggeng, we went to Mines and lo and behold, I bought a pair of shoes that is originally RM179 for RM39.90. What a bargain.

I also bought face wash and deodorant cuz I stink so bad without it. Kinda wish I could not like sweat so bad even in warm weather. Alright, here's what I really wanna talk about. I went to Yamaha, you know, the music store and saw the sweet Yamaha acoustic blue guitar. The price tag was RM330. I was so tempted to buy it but well... I'm not good at restringing  guitars. I dunno when to pick it up cuz tomorrow's Monday and I really don't have the time to come here during weekdays. So, I promise myself to buy it when it's pay day, usually at the end of the month. I will buy that sweet blue guitar.

As I was imagining myself playing a song with that guitar, reality popped that sweet dream like a douchebag. I just remembered that I need to pay my telephone bill. Thank God I remembered cuz my data is still locked to slow speed until I pay. So I went to Maxis and paid my bill. Had to go to the ATM to withdraw money cuz I had nothing in my wallet. Zilch after paying the bill. I only withdrew just enough to get by for the week.

After going to Mines, we went to Bangi Gateway, mom wanted to send a baju kurung to get it altered or something, I dunno. I excused myself to go to MPH and browse books there. There's a high chance I will go out with a book in my hand and yeah, I bought a book.

It's called How To Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It's high time that I need to act like an adult and learn how to be diplomatic and influence other people. I mean, I'm going to be a PTD, these things are like, mid day snacks to them. I need to prepare myself to learn about office politics, cuz where I'm working, it's a totally  different ball game.

The day's not finished yet! After Bangi Gateway, the last stop was Pizza Hut in Bandar Seri Putra. Mom bought 2 pan pizza and then we went back home at had dinner. Pizza dinner on a Sunday night.

By the way, forgot to tell you guys, Man chester United won the game against Aston Villa. Entertaining match, Herrera did great! Can't wait for the Manchester derby after this. Fuh!

Yeap, that's my Sunday, lots of going out and buy stuff and I continued playing Bloodborne for about an hour to defeat Vicar Amelia. I defeated her on my first try. So proud of myself. LOL

Thanks for reading this far. Hoping my Monday isn't that Blue but a bright colour of Gold. Can't wait to get that PTM letter and settle it once and for all!

Bubbye peeps! See you tomorrow!

Day 4: Bloodborne Saturday and a Meet Up With A Girl

This Saturday should be renamed as Bloodborneday, cuz everyone's playing the damn game and sharing pictures on Twitter.

I'm so focused in grinding levels and upgrading my weapons I forgot to share the pics to brag on how I'm progressing faster than everyone else. However, I stopped playing in a bit in the morning cuz I have  to go to Mid Valley to have breakfast with my family. My sister wanted to change money, she's going to Netherlands and Italy. I'm envy her. Wish I could follow her alongside with my brother-in-law and my nephew.

Put Envy aside, I met with a fellow gamer and friend I met during TwtupGamersMY. Liyana's her name. She's a cool girl, a it on the shy side, and it was her first time going to Mid Valley. She's browsing and surveying for a Nintendo 3DS XL. I say, the prices are crazy high, I bought mine for RM720 with Mario Kart 7 in it at Low Yat. That was back in 2013.

I tried to persuade her in doing an episode for the podcast, but she seems reluctant. It's her choice, I'm just giving her a chance to like, have fun, talk and record the conversation. Maybe she is shy. I dunno, she's really got potential in being a good conversationalist.

It was a brief meet up cuz I had to go back home, mainly because my mom wanted to go to Mines after that. I said my goodbye and we parted. When I touched down at mi casa, I was lazy to go out again. So, I excused myself and played Bloodborne like heck. 6 hours straight! BOOYAH!

Man, I killed 4 bosses, Undead Giant, The Watchers, Watchdog of the Old Lords and Blood Starved Beast. I was exhausted after that. I died a lot fighting the Watchdog, stupid fire dog. Bitch, Well, now I can go full throttle playing Bloodborne. I'm not planning to go to NG+ first. I'll save that when I'm really mentally ready to go that far.

So yeah, that's it for today. I hope you guys are having a great Saturday. Will do try to be consistent in finishing B.E.D.A until the 30th day. C'mon Rizal, you can do it! It's the 4th day already! 26 more days to go.

Thanks for reading, bubbye!

Today's pic of the day is:

I wanna play this games with girls. Hmmm.. what's she doing going down on all 4 in front of him? Hahaha!

Day 3: Disappointing Friday, Weekend Joy!

Friday. Ahhh... The day we all look forward to enjoy the beginning of a 2-day weekend.

Why does the title say Disappointing Friday? It's because the Program Transformasi Minda letter wasn't finalized and I have to wait next week for them to send it to me and many other officers that needs to attend the course. I need that letter to attach t to my postponement letter as proof that I'm still on probation. I really want to get this settled as fast as I can and not make the JPA officers wait any longer.

On the other hand, like any other working people, I'm looking forward to the weekend to do things I love to do, like playing Bloodborne!! I have to catch up on others, they're all so far in front of me, I'm lagging behind. I have to finish Bloodborne before Mortal Kombat X comes out. I can't concentrate playing 2 games at once. I need to play games one-by-one.

Damn, I'm tired. I'm typing this post while lying on bed, laptop on my chest. This is a bad posture. Who cares, this will be short anyway.

So that's it. Got nothing interesting to talk about. Friday is lazy day for me. Give me a break, I wanna watch YouTube videos and listen to songs until I fall asleep. That's my type of rest and relaxation.

See ya peeps tomorrow! I hope I don't play the day away until I forget to do this. Thanks. To compensate for the short post, here's a picture that I like to share with you for no apparent reason. It's just a pic I took from a mall. Again, bubbye!

How cool is this? I can take a dump and then if I'm strong enough I can take a piss at the other toilet bowl. Hell Yeah!

Day 2: Program Transformasi Minda, Postponement News and Monkey Business

2nd of April guys and girls, I'm still alive and I feel great! I called Public Service Department of Malaysia and they told me that I can postpone and my name won't be removed from the course. Yeay! I will join the next course which they don't know when. So, hoping it'll be end of this year.

2nd day of April. Nothing interesting, I touched up my postponement letter and went to a meeting. I'm waiting for the Program Transformasi Minda letter so I can't attach it to my letter as proof as to why I have to postpone going to the course.

The thing about people knowing you will be changing jobs is that you have to tell them that you're not going now. Then, al of them are like, "Laaaaaa..... why lah?" and I told them I have yet to confirm my post and they're like "Wah, so late to confirm job? Our time, PTM was done during our first year. So weird, doing it this late. Then, you're late one batch. When's the next course?"

Yeap, people next time when you break a news like this, not when you get the online result. Wait for the letter to come and then tell them.

PTM will be done in INSTUN, Institut Tanah dan Ukur Negara somewhere in Perak. Yep, that far. I've never been there. It's a 5-day course about Malaysian history and the Malaysian Government. It has classes, activities and that's it. The last day there will be an exam. So, when you finish PTM, they will have a meeting, look at our scores and how well be behaved during the course. So, if the panel unanimously agree to let you pass the course, you pass with flying colours. For me, this is the last one left to confirm my post now. I've finished my department's exam and also General Order Exam. If I pass this, I will be a legit government servant, no more in probation. Yahoo!

I called the ministry and they said the letter will be given tomorrow. So, I have to wait to send my postponement letter on Friday. That sucks, I thought I can send it today.

Yup, and now I can breathe easy knowing I don't feel trapped choosing to resign and be stressed when I go for the PTD course,

Yeah, there are monkeys terrorizing my neighbourhood and I'm afraid to take run outside on the treadmill, fearing ti will be attracted to the songs and the noise of the treadmill. Damn those monkeys. I hope PERHILITAN will catch them soon. Yeah, yeah, my podcast's name is Rambling Monkey, but doesn't mean I love those things. They are considered as pest here in Malaysia. You can shoot it without feeling any remorse. Well, if you're PETA or some extreme animal rights activist, you'd do something else. For me, screw them, take out our gun and shoot on sight.

Alright, I think that's it for tonight. Tomorrow's FRIDAY! (Singing Rebecca Black's Friday) Stay tuned for the 3rd day of B.E.D.A, maybe something interesting will happen... or not. I dunno, I can't predict the future.

So long readers, see you tomorrow. Hope you had a great 2nd of April and may it continue throughout the whole month of April and beyond. Goodbye!

Regards,
Raziel Rizalinium

Blog Every Day in April (B.E.D.A) Day 1, You Freaks! April Fools Mofos!

Hey, it's that time of that month again. No, I'm not taking about your period or bleeding profusely for days and stuff. That's gross. I'm talking about B.E.D.A, Blog Every Day in April, where I challenge myself in composing posts errday in this inter-monsoon month of April. So, let's not ramble a lot, and get on to Day 1*.

* Fine, I know it's already the 2nd of April. I was tired af yesterday and now I have to do 2 posts in one night. So if you have a problem with that, don't read, capiche?

So, 1st of April, one interesting thing happened to me, but we'll start from the beginning. So, as all of you already know, GST just got implemented and yes, a lot of people are complaining about some shops are raising the price of their stuffs and giving out bogus receipts. So yeah, it's a shitstorm of people complaining about it. I read the timeline on Twitter, GST was (still is, actually) trending.

Alright, fast forward to 6.00pm, I'm heading back home, and I'm driving normally until... 2km from the Putra Mahkota exit, a bus suddenly flashed it's lights on me from far away. I'm like, WTF? So I went to the side and  I'm lkelet it pass me. When they did, Someone indicated to me that my one of my tires was flat. I was like, "Oh shit, this is bad". I just drove with a flat tire until the workshop I usually go, and what I saw is that my tire got slashed by something. I didn't remember hitting anything when I was driving.

So yeah, changed the tire and lo and behold... I didn't have enough money to pay for the god-damn tire. I only had RM140 in my pocket and the tire cost RM155. Dude also said I need to change something, I forgot what part of the rim but it was only RM5. All in all, RM160. Embarrassed, I called my dad to swing by to pay for the excess amount. When I was about to pay, the guy took out his calculator and I was like "Eh, RM155 + RM5 also need calculator ah?". He replied, "No, GST, 6% add to RM160 maa...". Ah crap, of all the days, it happened on the 1st day of GST. So, I ended up paying RM169. The original price was RM169.06, but I got a RM0.06 discount. Hey, better than nothing.

I drove back home, with no money in my pocket. So that was my 1st day of April. Yeay!

Oh yeah...... Ermmm.... folks, I have some news for you. Remember I told you that I got through the PTD interview. Yeah, I got the letter already to join the one-year course, but I opted to postpone the course to the other one. You wanna know why? Cuz I haven't confirmed my current post yet. If I go now, then I have to resign and start fresh, with no continuing service, my salary will decrease and also, if anything happens during the course and I got chucked away from the course and I resigned my current job, I won't have a job anymore. Yep, so to be safe, I will confirm this job, and when the next course comes, I can request for study leave with no pay. And whatever happens during the course, I can go back to my old job, because my name is still in my current job place. Yep, that's my story.

So thank you readers if you have read this far. Typing this as fast as I can cuz I have to do the 2nd day's post. Well, see you on the next post. Please, be nice. Goodbye!

Regards,

Raziel Rizalinium.

Day 56 of 365: Happy Stuff and A Lot Of Waiting While Time Flies By and I'm Standing Still

Hello everyone! Welcome to another blog post typed by me (Duh!)

As you may know, I am typing this post without a title and whatever the title will be, I'm sure it will be so original I will have to patent it and people will have to pay me everytime they use on the Internet. I hope so. I dunno, let's just roll and see what my brain has to say.

So, February is coming to an end and I feel like time is really sprinting as fast as Usain Bolt trying to break the record of Earth spins per year. I mean, what's Earth thinking about?

"I'm gonna beat you Mercury, Venus and Mars! I'm gonna be the fastest spinner and will be the fastest in the Milkyway Galaxy! Muahahahahah! (Evil laugh intensifies and coughs ensue).

But seriously, I feel like time is passing so fast I feel like I don't have the time to enjoy things I wanna do. I wanna enjoy. I've been thinking of traveling this year to somewhere, go see the world and stuff. However, many things come at times when I already have plans and those things are something I wanted for so long in my life.

First, I don't know about you guys/gals, if you know this or not: I. PASSED. THE. PTD. INTERVIEW. OMG I didn't know I would pass the interview! I feel ecstatic and a bit scared at the same time! Happy cuz after 3 attempts of trying to pass the exams and fail miserably, the 4th time's the charm! Well, I heard the number 4 is not a lucky number for some people but who cares! I was so happy when I got the news I dry humped my bolster like mad! Well, I didn't really dry hump anything, just smiled and hugged my mom.

Okay, because it says that I passed the interview, I guess the next level would be to go for the 1-year course. Here's where it gets tricky. I dunno when the course will start. It can start either in May up to October. So, I have to stay put in Malaysia and wait for the letter to come and I really don't like waiting. Give the me letter and the date and I can plan ahead my vacation.

Also, I haven't gone to the Program Transformasi Minda (I dunno what's the official name of this program in English is. If you do, please tell me) because there are buttloads of other officers in front of me that haven't gone to that program. It's like a long queue and you have to wait for your turn to attend it. Yeah, that's also another reason why I can't travel AND the date is still unknown. I feel like I've sinned big time that God is grounding me by not letting me travel, but every thing has its happy side of the coin.

Also, my mental state of mind is also back to normal. I'm not moody as before or depressed because I feel ignored by the human population. I met my good friend last week and I kinda talked about my problems and he understood what I'm going through. All I needed is to find friends that have the same interests as I do. All this time, I've been trying to fit in with the wrong type of people. I guess that's the reason for my self-diagnosed depression stems from. So, the solution: I found new friends. Friends that play video games, that are passionate about it, who knows what the hell I'm talking about. My mind resonates with their P.O.V, their opinions. Finally, I have found a circle of friends. Yeah, I'm still friends with my Uni mates and school mates, but not one share the passion I have with video games and deep thinking about stuff that aren't really that deep. I try to sound intelligent but I'm just messing around and people aren't being social justice warriors about it.

What else, what else? Oh, now that I feel like my normal self but with self restraint cuz I do bust out dirty jokes and talk about adult-related stuff now and again, I have to cut those down. It's for the future, y'know? Change for the better, people always say. I'll try to tone down and be mindful of what I post in the Net. Well, as long as I don't go bash about Malaysia or be subversive, it's OK. What I mean is, I'm trying my best to act like a grown up and less like a Uni student. Got that talk from my parents. Now I'm an officer, I have to act like one. My dad knows that I'm going for the PTD course, I have to endure his nagging on how to act like a PTD, because he was a PTD, now retired.

Bla bla bla  I know it's boring stuff. Cuz time is rolling so fast on the deep end I can see Adele still singing Rolling in the Deep, April ain't far away. Remember when I tried doing B.E.D.A? Blog Every frackin' Day in April and I failed to continue after the 10th day? Yeah, I'm gonna give it another shot. 30 days, 1 post per day, the length or idea doesn't matter as long as I put up a post on something interesting. Yeah, wish me luck and pray that I can finish it.

I guess this is where I will end this post, cuz I'm running out of things to type. Game wise, will buy Bloodborne and Mortal Kombat X in the near future. Currently playing AC Unity, Far Cry 4 and Life is Strange. Will pick up Super Smash Bros for 3DS from my friend this week.

That's all folks. Remember this totally random quote that has nothing to do with this post, and you will live just the same as before, because it does not affect your life at all:

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
-George Bernard Shaw

Thanks for reading. See you next time, whenever I feel like posting. Don't hold your breath, you're gonna die, so resume breathing normally. Good bye!

My Struggle With Low Self-Esteem in This Crazy World

I guess by reading the title that I still yet to name, I hope you would spend some time reading the message that I'm trying to convey.

You see, n this world where some people have it harder, where they're not that good looking, they hate their life, thinking that they are always inferior to others and it is embedded in their sorry brain. Well, that's me. THAT'S ME.

I grew up having a fairy tale childhood where it is all sugar, spice and everything nice. Up until I got into secondary school, I got bullied relentlessly for 3 years. From there, I started to hate myself. I took my parents advice that I think was a bad move regarding bullying: "Just let them be. They'll be tired of making fun of you and will go away". You see, that didn't work out well, it got worse and they didn't leave me alone.

I created this notion where if I hate myself even more than others hate me, it'll alleviate the pain I'm going through. I hated more than I loved. I hated the human population equally. I learn I'm not born in this world to  please every soul thinking they deserve it and demand it like they own me.

I was that messed up back then and the only salvation I got was listening to music and writing poems. I wrote a lot, my thoughts, my opinions on how our social structure is flawed, where as men we should look all macho and be handsome all the time, be flirty and have a six-pack, buff body. Girls for me I generalized as a weak gender only knows that they desperately need a man to love them and care for them as if their lives depend on it. I didn't make this up, I listen to girls when they talk, how they ogle at guys and how they would throw themselves the moment the guy noticed them.

I wrote poetry, rather angst-ridden, fuck-you-all, emo, I'd-rather-die-than-bow-to-your-social-acceptance-bullshit stuff. I find it difficult to find in this country where the role is reversed. A shy, introverted guy falls in love with a strong-headed gal. Most of them actually fall for the one's that are outstanding and perfect. I can't blame them, it's natural to love beautiful things in life.

I can't love beautiful things, because it is impossible for me to go to that level where I can be in the circle of those who are comfortable with their physical appearance. I started podcasting because I don't want to show my ugly face, my fat body. Heck, my voice sounds fucking weird, but I brave myself to voice myself as I won't have an outlet to release all my ideas, frustration and rants. Yes, you can say "Go work out, dummy. You would look handsome and fit and girls will take notice of you. Easy". Yeah, let me say this to you, gym rats: I don't care if my body is like Ryan Gosling, I still would suffer from low self-esteem because people judge you silently. You're fat, you're automatically lazy. You're fit, you must be a health freak that shove's your opinions down on everybody's throat regarding your lifestyle and people must follow it so they could be like you.

I do not bend to others that easily. People tell me, "Lose weight the way I do. It's effective! Where this product, you'll look better!" Yeah, sorry, if I wanted to do it, I'll do it myself. I can't stand the coaching as if I need someone to hold my hand to do something, as if you're successful, helping others cuz you think you were horrible before and think other people are the same just like you. Guess what? NO! We're not the same and we will never be! But I will try my very best to become healthy and not succumb to pride when I am fit and healthy. I will not teach you how to be healthy, go ask Kevin Zahri or any other health freaks out there.

If you succeed, Good For You! (clap clap) I applaud you in achieving your life goals. However, I don't care at all about it. If I wanted help, I will limit to what extent you can help. You get me?

Because of my upbringing, I am incapable of loving others. Now, I really wanna learn how to love a human being. Before you go, "You gotta learn to love God first and then your family, friends and then others, blablablacksheephaveyouanywool" I do love God. It's hard for me to love another human being.

HOW CAN I LOVE SOMEONE WHEN I AM INCAPABLE OF LOVING MYSELF?

Capslocked not for screaming but to point out the problem at hand. This is why it is hard for me to find a soul mate. To find love that I don't know still exist in my body. It's hard to find someone that understands my mind, my thought process, that same wavelength where I can talk and they would understand what I'm talking about.

I HATE MYSELF FOR NOT BEING NORMAL. WHAT IS NORMAL? WHO ARE WE TO DICTATE WHAT IS NORMAL AND WHAT IS WEIRD?

No one, I mean no one in my past talked to me, encouraged me, said to me any words of wisdom, like "Life will be filled with hardships. You will stumble a lot. You will find haters even though you did nothing wrong to them. Sometimes you will face them alone. Your friends will sometimes be there for you. Sometimes it's hard for you to find a friend. Most of them are acquaintances, but no true friend. You'll fail many times, but you will bounce back and become stronger than before. That show of strength will attract people in getting to know you and maybe become your friends or enemies".

If someone would sit down with me and say those things, I would be prepared in life better than what I'm facing now. But no, people are too busy to care about others, you get shocked by reality of stepping out in the real world: social-cannibalism, I call it.

Growing up awkward is a crutch for me. I find solace with video games, because I have better control of them than my life. Everyone is progressing so fast I feel left behind, and they won't wait for you. We are stuck in a race. A race we are unwilling to participate but is forced to succeed in life.

Certain people really connect with me well, and I love them dearly. Not many understand, but quality is way better than quantity.

I'll end it here. M brain hurts. I just can't go more. I don't want to get depressed. I don't want to go through the anxiety, people judging your character if you're worthy to live in this world, the cannibalistic jealousy where we eat others to bring them down. I HATE THAT.

Goodbye, dear readers. Yeah, this post is a bit deep and depressing, but I hope you understand what I went through and what I'm going through right now. Thanks if you read this far. I hope when I die, you will understand that there are many others like me, that needs attention and acceptance, not attention whoring, but to know that they exist and need to you to be with them so they won't grow up being bitter and hateful towards the world. Don't coddle or coach them, they hate that, it shows as if you're superior towards them. Be their friend. They will appreciate it greatly.

May peace be upon you.

2015.... Is Just A Number. Interview Story and Podcast Update

Hey, everyone! Welcome to another episode of the Rambling Monkeys Podcast...

Wait, wrong intro. Let's start back.

Hey readers, how are you? How's 2015 treating you already? It's been, what, 8 days? I had an OK New Year. Guess what? I slept so early on New Year's Eve I woke up at 3am and I couldn't sleep after that. I missed all the pretty explosions and pretty fires and stuff. My 8 days in 2015 were fine, thanks for asking (Please pretend that you did ask me, or that sentence would be awkward as fuck).

So, some things happened during the last month of 2014, which was December 2014, because December is the last month, if you didn't get it. I told you freaks I took the Administrative and Diplomatic Officer entrance exam, right? Guess what? I PASSED THE FREAKING EXAM. I was ecstatic, I couldn't contain my excitement I bought a PS4 to congratulate myself as a present to myself for passing the exam I've failed for 3 times. Well, I'd buy the PS4 anyway even if I failed the exam (Psstt... my PSN id is zrizal89. Add me *wink, wink*)

The interview slot was on the 20th December 2014, a Saturday. Lucky me. I typed back my resume, photocopied all the essential papers, certs and ICs. I read almost everything about Government programs, current issues and all that was happening in Malaysia in the newspaper. My brain was begging to me to stop memorizing all this stuff that I would eventually forget the moment I step out of the interview room.

Longer story cut to long (I took away the "er". Clever, innit?), I was looking at my best, and the first thing all the interviewers had to do were write essays in Bahasa Malaysia and English.  4 questions, answer 2. Two essays that were pretty easy but they only gave us like, 30 minutes to write and that was too short to elaborate on the topic.

Next, we had a BMI test. Shut up and don't ask me. Moving along, we registered ourselves for the interview, I got the M room (Not "M for Mature", but the letter "M", because that's how they name the rooms. Don't ask me why.), and I had to fill in some forms, arrange the documents in order so it'll be easy for the interviewer to check if I'd miss anything. My number was 7, my group had like 13 people so it wasn't that long to wait.

I was talking to the other interviewers, they were chill, except for the ladies cuz they were hot! Well, I wish they were hot but they were nervous, Afraid what kind of questions that will be asked in the room.

Long story to kinda-not-that short (medium), it was my turn.

You know the stuff I read, where I've been busting my balls and brain to memorize all the information like a sponge (Like I jammed a whole book of Malaysian Encyclopedia in my head is what it really feels like)? Well, mostly they asked this simple question, "WHY DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF ENVIRONMENT TO PTD?"

I was anticipating this question, but not so early. I can't tell you my answers because I really forgot the specifics of my answer, and that went on for almost 15 minutes, half of 30 minutes (simple math here, readers) trying to provoke me into not being a PTD and staying in DOE. There were many provocations, twist and turns and curve balls and such, I dodged like a fat man trying to dodge balls while playing dodge ball. I got hit, but I didn't fall, I answered coolly, and the whole interview, I spoke in English. I was so nervous in there, I was supposed to answer in Malay because the interviewer asked questions in Malay but I answered in English. That's how nervous I was.

But I felt comfortable because I can convey the answer, reasons and message better than fumbling in Malay and make myself look more like a nervous wreck. So, she changed the subject to personal questions: My hobby, my hopes and dreams in the future, asked if I liked singing (Cuz I showed them my Piano Examination Certs. Dunno how they connect playing piano and singing). I told them about my podcast and they were impressed by it, supporting my project (Woohoo!). The last question she asked me was, "Do you see yourself in the future, as the Director General of DOE or as a Secretary General in a ministry?". I answered, "If God wills it, I wanna be a Secretary General".

Then, that marks the end of the interview. She told me that it was a pleasure talking to me. I thanked here, took my certs, said goodbye and left the room. Yes, dear readers, they didn't ask me one bit about current issues or government programs and such. Yeah, she touched about my current work but it didn't go that deep. I answered calmly what I did and they seemed satisfied.

So, until now, I dunno if my chances to pass the interview is high or not. They could say all the nice words they want and reject me. I can only pray that they could see the potential in me.

That's a long ass story, eh? Maybe I should do a podcast. Oh wait... I do have a podcast!

So, if you don't know me from Adam, or somehow reading this and not know who the hell I am (offended-ness intensifies),,, I'm not that special. So, I created this podcast to have a conversation with my friends and talk about almost anything that can be recorded and published on the Net. My podcast's name is Rambling Monkeys Podcast. There's like, 6 episodes that has been published on PodOMatic, please listen to it ,(Click Here You Sexy Beast. Auuuummm!!) but I'm thinking of porting to SoundCloud cuz there, I can publish Unlimited amounts of Ramblings there!

If you're in Malaysia, or you magically transported to Malaysia and somehow are near to my place (Hint: Near Bangi Komuter Station), I'll pick you there and kidnap you to do an episode with me and you will leave with a grin on your face (Not that we're doing naughty stuff. We'll just talk. What were you thinking, pervs?). OR, you can contact me through Twitter (@LordRizal) and I'l reply faster than Speedy Gonzalez trying to buy a 50% off burrito. We can talk about anything you like, promote anything, maybe you're lonely and need someone to talk to, like games, music, movies, personal experiences... Just come to me. I need to talk too. I'm a boring person.

Yeah, it's been a while since I've updated this blog. So, that's it, hope you readers could bear this once in a blue movie moment that I have the time to type this. So long, farewell my lovely readers. Till next time, I bid you adieu. Yeah, goodbye and have a great day. Now, live your life. I have to take control of mine before it spins out of control like Marty McFly traveling to 2015.

Thanks for reading, and KEEP RAMBLING!

What My Heart and My Brain Want Are Different. Choose Wisely.

Well, dear readers. I'm at the crossroads of my life. I just got an e-mail to take an exam for the Administrative and Diplomatic Officer M41 this Saturday. I took that damn exam 3 times, 3 years in a row and failed all of them. Really. I got this job as an Environmental Control Officer last year around March and thought to myself "NEVER AGAIN". I was thinking this is my calling, working in the Department of Environment and that's it. No diversion, work, save money, have fun and get married.

However, there's an inkling in my heart, brain and soul that says that I should give it a try and do it. I might have a chance in acing this year's exam. Go to the interview, ace that one and if I pass, I will go for the 1-year Diploma and Master in Public Administration.

What makes me feel 50-50 about this is because I've invested my life and energy being in this Department. I feel comfortable, I've already made friends, know who's who and actually be someone here. However, I feel that there's a SILENT CALLING. I dunno, tells me to rethink about my life, about my career. About how I should spend my working life until 60 years old.

Maybe I need to sit down, calm down, chill, pray to God, see for myself if this move is the best or not. I know I'm thinking too advanced, you readers are thinking, "You haven't done the exam yet, Rizal. You failed 3 times before, what makes you think you're gonna excel this one?" Yeah, I'm a loser, I didn't pass the written exam. 3 times. Three. Tres. Troix. Tiga kali gagal. My friends aced it once and got to the interview but didn't pass the interview.

Y'know, life is full of surprises, if you wipe out the shit at the side. You can get a vague guess what will happen in the future. My parents, especially my dad has high hopes for me to become an Administrative and Diplomatic Officer. He was one, served almost 35 years before retiring. My sister and my brother-in-law are also Administrative and Diplomatic Officers. My sister was a Science Officer for 4 years before she changed jobs.

They way they employ this time is different, They really drill you for a year, to see if you're worthy or not to become one. When you excel, you will get the job. If you don't you gonna get kicked out, wasting a year of your life. That point is risky, cuz I haven't confirmed my post yet, meaning, letting go this job to go the course, meaning I will be unemployed and have to really work hard to get in. If not, I'll lose my old job. Dangerous, innit?

Yep, dunno how, but I hope I can retain my old job while going for the course, if I pass the course, then it'll be just changing jobs like my sister did years ago. I'm just like my sister in this situation. She didn't have high hopes to pass the exam, interview and all, but lo and behold, she became one. I feel like I'm going through that phase too. Not getting high hopes to become an ADO officer, but there's an inkling that I really want it, ever since I graduated from my Uni.

The inner struggle, the other half says, "You're already safe here in DOE, stay, you might be someone in here in the future" and the other half saying "You wanted to become an ADO when you were a kid. 3 failed attempts won't bring you down, Go for it, again!".

Maybe I'll just do it. I'll see where it brings me. This is just my inner rant. Jobs are hard to come by and I'm flirting with career death in changing jobs like this. Like watching a drunk person walking near a steep cliff, you never know if he'll walk away or fall to his death.

Well, TAKE THE EXAM FIRST RIZAL. IF YOU PASS, THEN WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS. IF YOU DON'T, THEN YOU'RE DUMB AND SHOULD HIT YOUR HEAD AGAINST A RANDOM GIRL'S CHEST.

Hope you readers aren't bored about what's in my mind. I just need to get it out of my head. We'll see, God knows what's best for me. I just pray and act on it. I'll be buying the PS4 on November. I am gonna buy inFamous Second Son, Shadow of Mordor, Far Cry 4, Assassin's Creed Unity and Dragon Age Inquistion. I can't be left behind when it comes to games! I need new games! Destiny's great when you play with friends, but going solo, it's repetitive just like my life. I need to get out of Malaysia and travel.

Well, so long readers, see you next time, maybe 2016, when I will get married or some interesting shit happens, I'll keep you readers up to date about my mundane life. Don't be boring like me, do some crazy stuff, you will remember it forever. Peace.

Something Philosophical About Life

You'd think that people nowadays are being "caring" to others, they just love making assumptions about the life you've gone through, how and why it happened but they never asked question to the person who has gone through it. We are quick to judge and never have the sense to go and maybe talk and maybe that person just needs someone to talk to.

We all are being so individualistic, some give excuses as to "try to find their true selves" which I find is bullshit. For example, you are 24 years old, and you suddenly said that exact phrase, to "discover who you are", then what/who the fuck were you before that? You were a Hollow for 23 years? Or maybe a soulless body vessel which somehow God just blew a soul in your body and you just "came to life" after 24 years? I just don't buy it. We all have a purpose, you just need to be diligent enough to find it. I have problems in this department where searching the purpose as to what you can contribute to this society that expects nothing but perfection from you because you're not screwed up loosely on the head.

I am in this position where I myself do not know what I stand for and the purpose as a human being living in this world where Angels and Demons are waging countless wars and I am caught in the middle. Most people tell me that I change so fast from being this outgoing guy into a shy recluse where crowded places make me sick and nauseous. I myself do not know why and people assume as if they can read what's in my mind. They do not want to see what's in it. I do not want to see it. I wish my imagination is dead so I won't replay those things I imagined since my pre-teen years.

I hate being in a crowd. It overwhelms my existence. My presence where I feel like a abandoned useless soul locked in this limiting body vessel. I want to announce my existence on this Earth, telling people "Hey, I exist, don't ignore me. I just need a friend to talk to and someone to watch my back if I ever stumble on an obstacle of Life". Those times you will meet some people like yourself, but they are still blind and haven't opened their eyes to see the real world we live in. They choose to be ignored, to just let this Earth fall down to shit and hoping it won't get dirty. Well, bad news, you won't solve anything if you don't do anything.

You also get those people who overdo it, shouting senseless profanities with a hoarse voice, pronouncing complicated words just so the simpletons think you are smart therefore think highly of you just because you read those words in a dictionary just 10 minutes ago and used it once. I find these people a disease. Sometimes, at least the term Ignorance is Bliss can be implemented in this case, but to a certain extent where ignorance will ultimately bring ruin, but for those who talk too much, taking major attention seeking to a whole new level which can annoy people so much they just wanna punch the lights out of you. This type of person I hate so much. They pick on those who are silent. They prey on the weak and make others believe the words they said. I find it repulsive that these people breaks through the loophole where the fools have more confidence but the wise people hold their silence.

For me, I just wanna seek acceptance, and do something worthwhile where I can tell other people what is going on in this world, what is the stance of our human level at this point, how far have we strayed from the righteous path that God has given us to live The Ideal Life. We are blind to see the purpose which we are born to do God's bidding. Whatever else that we do is optional. The sole physical purpose of living is to survive in this world. You see, that way of life is boring. So, as smart and creative we have become, we create distractions to pass time by so by the time we die, it will feel like a heart beat. To survive, you need shelter, food and water. Basic things to survive. After that, you need to work for the food, you hunt, maybe farm. To add more people so more people can do it to cut the time cost, is to procreate. You have children. The children will help you with work until it's time they take over and repeat the cycle. That's the basic in living. However, we create some distractions in life, maybe adding games, story telling, arts and craft, you learn to navigate the sea. From here, to give the short version of it, we expand.

Fast forward to today. Living basically now it almost impossible as we have institutionalize and commercialize living. We create jobs, but we choose people instead of randomly accepting. We evaluate people to progress in this world, by education, from Kindergarten, Primary School, Secondary School, College, University. There are too many people living, we weed out the dummies and preserve the best of the best. We make education important yet we discriminate the disadvantaged ones for whatever natural causes that made them incapable of achieving a higher understanding of learning. We create frustrated people, those who are stuck in a rut. Those we vilify because they are stupid for not progressing further in life, being a Somebody just so they have a paper telling them they did it. We brush them off, and here, we have either two people, those who try to find another way to improve themselves so they can go up to the level of those fortunate to be educated, and the vengeful people who would love nothing but to destroy and bring down the fortunate ones.

You see, that is just one of the subsets of unfairness in life where how we tackle the problem is what we fail to see. Those who are born not perfect, will breed jealousy to those who have perfect physique, tall, dark and handsome for Men, short, slender and curvy for Women. People who are born crippled, they will forever live as a handicap not only literally, but figuratively as well. No one want to hire a cripple, especially the mentally disabled ones. When I look at it, these circumstances is what make or break a person living in this world where now rules of the human and the idiocy of the overzealous leaders rule for what they say, but not what they do.

I can go on and on about this philosophical stuff, probably basic theology as well, but I think that those lost in translation, are actually not seeing the real picture. I can sum it up as this:

You are born to live in this world to please God by doing his bidding and leaving what God forbids. In the same time, you need to survive in this world. You need to eat, drink, have a safe place to live and procreate. So, you work. You work until you die and your children will take over. In the meantime, you do God's bidding, by praying, helping people, no crimes committed, rarely sin and when you die, ideally you will be awarded for your good soul to go to heaven. However, doing the opposite, will result will be the other way down.

OK, it's not practical because that is only in theory. Now, there are too many distractions that makes us hard to concentrate in living this ideal Life. As I said, Human Rules, the Disbelievers crop up because the unfortunate things happening to them that turns them into Godless souls and probably mistakes you've done that results in failure such as misinterpretation of what God tells you as you are taking it the wrong way without learning the words that was passed down to you as a guide in living on Earth, and yes, not educating yourself enough to learn the Wonders of the World.

It's complicated, but it's actually easy when you see it. I hope somebody will read and understand this. It is a long post, I know, but I need to get these thoughts out of my head. I find it interesting on what people think and how they end up later in Life. Try to find the basic grasp of Living and you might or might not see it first, but eventually, you will.

This is the End of the post. Yeah, see you next time. My head feels light. Will need a rest. Thanks if you've read this far. I understand if you don't understand, I'm typing this as these thoughts come out of my head, this is not scripted beforehand. It's called free-flow writing. Well, thanks and Peace Be Upon You.