Out Of My Life, Good. Dissatisfied With Earth, Not Good.

Referring to the matter above, this chick I used to like, and like, she didn't care for me, and I just like, "say what?",and I swallow sadness and roll up like a ball and wallow, yeah, she's gone. So, the good thing is that I couldn't care much of her right now. Which she could just disappear  from the face of the earth and that would totally make my day. I feel that, "Hey, I liked you too long, I waited too long, and now I'm pissed you don't care about my feelings, so fuck off and die, bitch!" right now and cherishing it. Tell you what, I'm getting sick of this game of Feelings and Caring and Care-Bear shit and stuff. I just want to make it thorough and specific that if you really like me, then make it a habit of liking or loving me. Flirtatious banter is really unbecoming of women nowadays.You think that a girl likes you, you get really excited, you want to be with that girl, you feel proud a girl actually likes you. For me, that feeling is long gone right now. I Love You for me is just three ordinary words that lost its meaning from the aspects of feelings and emotion. My heart has been broken for so many times that it  hurts at first, then it becomes numb. You feel guilty and hateful towards the opposing party and yourself, then you feel nothing. You fight for what? You spend your precious time for what? Going down the drain of susceptible destruction in emotional disturbance? In this game, your damned if you do, damned if you don't. A lose-lose situation when not really with the right person. A woman out there, waiting. Maybe she exist, maybe not. You wish to be a human dong what you are told to do to not disturb the course of Life that has been outlaid to you for millions of years, or since Adam and Eve started living on Earth. Do good stuff, leave the bad stuff. Love thy neighbor just like loving yourself. It is necessary to be good and all, but why with the jealousy and hating all  around? Just like what I'm feeling right now. I have this hatred filling up inside of me, random hatred towards everyone, it just hurts and it multiplies, exacerbates to such extent I just want to crush someone to death. Ashamed of being a human, regretting not to be dead right now. The satisfaction of living on this earth has fallen to an alarming rate. If someone gave me a survey on m satisfaction in living on Earth, I'd give it a 2/5. 2 because I feel that I'm still living and that is good enough for me.The quality of human caring for each other has deteriorated too. BADLY. You take crap from other people more than compliments. Hell, even compliments are turned into crappola. You just want to make up everything in making your life better in 2 seconds even though it takes a lifetime to feel satisfied with yourself. Just like a boring class, I just want it to end very quickly. I want to end it painlessly, and with respect. Loving and Leaving is what I'm good at. Back to the main point, she's out, good. My life feels less burdened with bludgeoning problems and make-believe fantasies of being The One (Yeah, the " I Was Born Because Of Greatness and to Be The Greatest Of All").I'm just a regular everyday normal guy. Bitches come and go, but Life will march on, leaving the Dreamers and those who dwell in the past. I'll leave you guys pondering the right and wrong in Life. Remember, If you swear, that means you're hurt, or pissed off. Not kidding. Bye and wasslam...

Jealous, Much?

Like I am saying right now, someone needs to tone done that jealousy inside the person... Hehehe.. I love it when i see jealous girls when I'm talking with another girl.. Those narrowed eyes, glaring like piercing every part of my body... the furrow on the forehead... crunched-up mouth... fists clenched... So CUTE... Well, I won't do it if I get married... THAT would be a BIG MISTAKE... It shows that she loves you, and I know that she loves me indefinitely. I love this woman, this girl even with her high-handedness,is still the best girl I've seen so far. She is the epitome of perfection in my eyes. I should be thankful in giving her the undying affection and care to her. Call me stupid, but the more jealous she is, the more I love her. That's why I like talking to other girls. Better yet, talk "intimately" in front of her. Flirting, but not serious. Maybe that's why I don't get a stable relationship.  It's been a Hell of a ride and it's been fun and despair rolled up in a ball and explodes like vomit and caramel. I want to perfect the art of Jealousy, the art of Flirtation ,the art of Sweet- talking... The art of Domination, hahaha! The Tigers in the bed and all that shit. Feels like degrading the woman, but I just like to play it rough... It's my nature. Some like it slow and steady. Some like it slow and wanting. Some just throw themselves like a pair of thrashing eels or snakes mating. Me, everything is done with strategy. One must take control. let her listen to your every command. Possessing her, make her feel frustrated, wanting, libido rising, tease her to no end, until she is wet with wanton and desire. Touching her at the right spots. Finding her G-Spots. Playing with her. Make her scream, squeal, suck her every bit of soul and tell her what she really want is YOU. JUST.YOU. It doesn't matter if you're not well endowed or just an average person. Skill and strategy is important. At the end, leave her feeling tired, boneless, like a heap of clothes untouched for so long. Wow! That, my friend, is great sex.So sum it up, First, foreplay. Then, actual intercourse. Lastly, finish it with a gentlemanly after-sex talk. Cool, innit? So, um.. a part from being jealous to talking about casual intercourse, I'll leave you alone. Read books. Ok, thanks, goodbye and wassalaam...

The Nightmare

I saw you laughing,

I sat in the corner,

Weeping, crying,

Lost in translation,

Missing in the sea of destruction,

The target under the spotlight,

A lost battle to fight,

There with a face pout,

No fear but full with doubt,

A daylight scare with no air,

You are my nightmare,

I’ve said too much,

But I haven’t said that such,

Your centre of pleasure,

My everlasting torture,

No wish, no seek, no breathing,

No time for bidding,

The list of dreams crushed,

Least more few much touch,

Losing my mind,

Now I can’t find,

Please, scare,

Be my everlasting nightmare…

Oh, The Drama! My Love Life and…. Marriage? Adding Dreams Too…

I get annoyed actually about the drama of reality, it hurts seeing it happening in front of your own damn eyes. Actually, it hurts a hell lot. What I want to say first in general is about the drama of the heartbroken fair maidens who just cannot cope with simple problems of the past or relationship problems. Women, you thinks I have the nerve of steel listening to them telling the problems which actually doesn’t concern me at all, let alone I care about it. I just love to listen  to it, but never ever will I be the one who will be solving it. One, I feel guilty to these women who just broke up. They are attractive little beings and somehow I have that feeling of saving the damsel in distress. However, I am not a rebounder guy. NO NO NO. I, for one am a respectable person, only to fall in love with women who have feelings to me. Not a shoulder to cry on, for reasons that doesn’t concern me and only as a pleasure seeker. They come to me, befriending me. Telling me things, stuff about their problems. They expect me to solve them, like I’m a freaking therapist or something. I do not like to be treated like a hapless guy good for only listening to your problems. Whenever they are happy, they forget me. Like I’m used up, washed up has-been. Like trash on the side-walk. Every time I see them happy with their boyfriends, or some admirers, you just can’t stop thinking, what the Hell just happened? They act flirtatious with you, pour their heart and soul to you. They instil jealousy in your heart, thinking that their boyfriends are just monsters and don’t deserve them. I, don’t want to be caught in this scandal that will certainly blow out of proportion, so I just listen. That is it. Listen. Once, I thought it was heroic to save the damsel for the wicked man, sweeping off her feet, carry her, saving her. In reality, these women are just a bunch of stupid bitches using their boobs to think instead of their brain. If the guy treats you bad, why the Hell should you still be with him? Break up. Not like you’re married or something. He makes you angry, tell him straight up. He cheated, break up. He treats you like a slut, break up, call the police. Please, don’t be afraid to act the right thing. That’s one last piece of advice I’ll give to you. Back to the scenario I gave; I had a girlfriend. A very loyal, trusting, loving girlfriend in the past. Then, came another girl, pouring her heart out, crying her eyes out on me, telling me how she broke up and can’t stand the pain of living, bla bla blibbidy boo. So, I was young, rash and hormonally imbalance, and a becoming scoundrel, I flirted with her, telling her the guy was a fool for letting her go. I courted her. Then, she became my girlfriend, without telling my other girlfriend. So, I got confused, regretting what I did, I stupidly broke up with my trusting, loving, loyal girlfriend and ran off with the other one. She was broken-hearted.  Couldn’t do anything. I truly loved her, she was really dear to me. We could’ve gone far with each other. Several months later, after falling from a higher ground with bone-crunching sound effect, a boulder followed on and crushing me underneath it. Metaphorically. Turns out the girl I’ve been dating, IS a bitch. A whiny one too. She only looks at me for money. I was too blind to see what has happened, lost everything in this so called game of love. My ex found another man, I broke up with her, with anger and over the top shouting match enthusiasm, just to think the prospect of bitch slapping that whore of a slut, I broke up. Then, I moved on with my Life. Other relationships after that are mutual. Things get bored actually. I keep living in fear when being in a relationship. I wanna be in a relationship, but it is the fear of a woman scorned, the heart-breaking, the cheating, the materialistic woman, the perfectionist, the dependant woman, you name it, I’ve seen it all. Never have I dated a PDA woman. The horror of her touching and grabbing you in public is frightening. The “You feed me, I feed you” action, is inexcusable. I can feed myself thank you very much. I’m not a baby you can’t spoon myself or bite properly. So, after that, I became cautious when women come to me and tell their secrets. I tried, but I am a weak man when I see a beautiful woman come to me with the desire to tell her secrets and pour her soul into the problem, thinking I’m the only guy that can save her. That is indeed a lie. I cannot believe again on what they are saying anymore. The latest one, yeah, she doesn’t know yet. I completely detest her for like telling we are friends and how special I was to her. Her actions doesn’t emit the friendliness of her. I misinterpreted her as a flirt than a friendly gesture. And when she said we were friends, I felt insulted. Am I nothing to her? She likes another man that left her for another girl, which by the way, I did it a long time ago in a land far far away. I was so mad for no reason that she is in the same position of the woman I used to love. However, she ignited my anger in reliving that dark past that I don’t want to remember, so I felt hatred growing inside of me. Towards her. I just don’t want to be with her in any way and will not intend to communicate with her anymore. She is nothing to me. It hurts my pride, that I’m nothing to her. I know it sounds selfish, but I’m trying to forget the past, to be a good friend. Somehow, I can’t I gave up on this matter. I couldn’t bear going through what she has gone through, again. No, I will march on, find love like a normal person would do. Scandal free, proper introduction, and love at first sight, or eighth. I just can’t proclaim the love of my life to all the beautiful girls and toy with their emotions when I get bored. I just want to reform, be a normal, respected by woman, making them happy with me, as a friend. The fear of commitment is also not helping me with this situation I’m going through. A future worry for me is marriage. It’s a responsible to anyone who is ready to get married, to make sure the bloodline and lineage flows perfectly. I cannot bear the fact that I imagine myself marrying at a young age. I haven’t enjoyed single life to the fullest. I wanna go around the world by myself, I wanna do my Masters, a PhD, without thinking of a wife and children to feed and give clothes and diapers. I wanna work first, have a house, a transport, car preferably, lots of money for the future, then I can get married. It’s not the 19^th century or 18^th century and anything below that. We don’t marry for money right now. It is just something that needs to be done. Out of love, not arranged. I see myself getting married when I’m above 30. Twenties isn’t a good idea, even 29. It should be filled with a list of things to do before I get married. Like, things I just said above. Clubbing, I think, go bungee jumping, write a book, travelling, honeymooning with myself. Umrah and Haji with family, go to Amsterdam, London, Norwich, Paris, Istanbul, Edinburgh, Cardiff, Dublin, Rome, Madrid, Sevilla, Lisbon, Brussels, Cairo, Memphis, and God is Great, hopefully Palestine, where I can roam free without someone telling me what or what not to do. An adventure of my own before shackling myself with a wife. Flirting with many girls as possible, but I think I learn the hard lesson from there. I haven’t flirted with a foreign girl before. I wish I can do that. If my dad can marry my mom, who is a Filipino, why can’t I? Surely I can do whatever I please. Not that marriage is in my mind that time. Just mutual friendship. To be friends with people all over the world, sharing our secrets and cultures. Oh yeah, I wanna go to Australia, New Zealand, and all the Oceania countries, like Tuvalu, Vanuatu, Timbuktu. Central America and South America.  Aruba, Jamaica, Bermuda, Bahamas, Cuba, Honduras, Belize, Mexico, Brazil, Argentina, Peru, Trinidad and Tobago. Maybe I like going places, maybe I should work in Travel and Living. Beats me from sitting at home and watching it from the television. I wanna see the world, like Ian Wright, except not being gay. I wanna cross the Sahara desert. Ride a camel, buying kinky clothes from Dar Khadija. OK, that was a joke. I feel like I don’t want my feet to be firm on the ground. I want to fly to places, learning is never enough and never will be. Crossing the Silk Road is tempting too.  There are so many things that I want to do. Even if I get married, I only limit myself in going to Asian countries alone. Europe is a bit too expensive for a married couple with children. I wanna be able to tell my children about the adventures I’ve been to foreign countries, and hopefully, bring my wife to places that I like the most. So, that is what I wanna share with you, my dreams, fears, view of marriage and my secret adventurous heart which I have kept for so long. No one knows except those who read this. I thank you if you stick to me until this last part of this blog entry. Wishes do come true, if you work hard enough for it, you will get it. With this, I bid you goodbye, see you next time, and salaam… 

Bad, Bad Poetry...

Maybe today,
Maybe tomorrow,
I won't say,
Words filled with sorrow,

I stand behind you,
Heart full of treason,
A head full of rage,
A life-long lesson,

True heart desire,
Mouth of a liar,
You're always joking.
Too bad you're choking,

You fall in disgrace,
You lie defaced,
I lie in a pool of blood,
Flowing like a flash flood,

We burn in Hell,
We both can't tell,
We heave a sigh,
As we both die,

We perish in fire,
For our hearts desire,
We look to the moon,
Singing an evil tune,

A man broken,
A soul mistaken,
You drown in your own vomit,
With the sins you commit,

Stand toe to toe,
Fall like a domino,
The world is flat,
Too bad it got fat,

Lust rules the mind,
You can't find,
Words cut sharp,
Like a broken string harp,

Your eyes are blind to see,
This bad, bad poetry,
Leave it, let it be,
Please, leave me be...

What I Fear...

This Rizalinium speaking. I shall talk about a woman. A woman that I thought as worthy of my love but I feel that she is not worth a damn. A beautiful face is not a sure thing to make a happy couple but a deathwish. Her characteristics and traits are the most important thing for me. She must at least think like me, have at least some same hobbies like I do. The nearest things near to me are Gothic Girls. Shame… Hate to hear people say I told you so, but I think it is the Life of the people itself. You can’t be choosy and take what’s given in front of you. I can’t . I was  given a chance of a lifetime with this great woman, and I blew it. It’s not that I don’t like her. I just found out that I AM choosy. Any flaws and I will reject it. It’s hard to shed this trait and I think if this goes on longer, I’ll end up as a bujang  terlajak. If only I become more willing to accept than to criticize others, then I will not have this problem. I can’t stand watching those who are in love, only to break their Love one’s hearts. Here I am, having troubles finding a right girl, and then there’s you, those who change every week like a washed away towel. Perfectionism is also a plague in our mind. A disease called Rejection, a pandemic worse than H1N1.The attack on the mind is more dangerous, especially in massive numbers. A mass mind rape, as I like to call it. Those who control the mind of the weak, making them do bad things. Just like being in Love. There’s a fine line between Love and Hate. Not a silver line, not a gold line, but a wet thread, hanging in between the two of them. Like smoking, Love applies perfectly to it. You swear that You’ll stop Loving someone else ( Stop Smoking), but you’ll just continue anyway, not caring about what happens and your promise will forever be forgotten ( You swear you wanna stop smoking, but you can’t live without it,right?). Or drugs, same same. It’s that fear of commitment that drives you away from a relationship. You just want to get the Hell away from this Highway of Hell before you crash and burn. That’s all in the mind, the thing is that people look at it as lovely and peaceful, but for me, it is scary. You imagine as a relationship is a two people thing. However, who’ll fell the pressure to bring up the relationship to a whole new level. Who will ease the burden and who is the driver, the engineer in making the marriage work? I Can’t see me as a responsible person like that. The only way is for me to buck up, be a man and take responsibilities of my own straight, then to other people. That’s why I have the commitment fear. Say what ever you want, it’s the truth. It’s highly dangerous to me to be involve in a hitherto action of love, just to end up hurting her. I wanted her, I adore her, I fantasized about her, I dreamt of her. Only in my imagination I guess.  Dream…. Dream, dream, dream…. Whenever I want you, all I have to do, is dream… Hahaha, enough singing.  My pet peeve of the day in relationship, is discipline. Yes you think dating is fun. However, there’s a way to make it a successful date than a failure. Planning is the most important thing to do. What to wear, what you need to say, what gifts to give her, is important. You think that love is just another word, but actually in runs deep,deep inside you. It takes two to make a thing go right. I just need to rest, I guess. I need YOU…It’s only love and that is all, but why should I feel the way I do? Hehe, OK, I’ll stop with the singing.People in love should be fair to each other, regardless of what their gender is. You, think that Men wants to look tough, but we cry too. Biologically, we are almost the same. We are the same human species that lives on earth. Why do we need to differentiate it more? Why, in Gods name should we have a different view  on love? You think that this is crazy, but no. It is the truth. We are the same, only it is in our mind that thinks that it is different. We love the same thing, we love human beings. It’s not weird, it is normal. Opposites attract means nothing anymore. Other peoples flaw is just someone else’s turn on. You don’t need the beauty of it, but the life that makes it worthwhile. You’ll die alone, facing god alone, the angels alone. The devil alone. It’s you who makes the choices, how you make t good or bad. This is not a game, where every screw up you can load back. When the pain is done, it’s done. You will suffer permanently. The girl somehow has become a distant memory that I want to forget. I don’t need it right now. All I need is just myself and my thinking brain. That’s it. I just want to run away from the problems related to me. Just back off. Go to Hell with those people downing me. We will suffer losses and rejection, but eventually it makes us mature in making us live the life of an imperfect human. Only you can make the choices in your life, not others. You can make it better, worse or boring. I’ll just back off for you to read this and think carefully those who are in a relationship. Is he/she the one? Are you willing to sacrifice everything to him/her? Are you willing to give your body, for the sake of love and love it is? I want you to think it through. Mistakes always have the knack to find a loophole in every nook and cranny of all things with flaws. Choose wisely. Goodbye and wassalam.