Day 3: Disappointing Friday, Weekend Joy!

Friday. Ahhh... The day we all look forward to enjoy the beginning of a 2-day weekend.

Why does the title say Disappointing Friday? It's because the Program Transformasi Minda letter wasn't finalized and I have to wait next week for them to send it to me and many other officers that needs to attend the course. I need that letter to attach t to my postponement letter as proof that I'm still on probation. I really want to get this settled as fast as I can and not make the JPA officers wait any longer.

On the other hand, like any other working people, I'm looking forward to the weekend to do things I love to do, like playing Bloodborne!! I have to catch up on others, they're all so far in front of me, I'm lagging behind. I have to finish Bloodborne before Mortal Kombat X comes out. I can't concentrate playing 2 games at once. I need to play games one-by-one.

Damn, I'm tired. I'm typing this post while lying on bed, laptop on my chest. This is a bad posture. Who cares, this will be short anyway.

So that's it. Got nothing interesting to talk about. Friday is lazy day for me. Give me a break, I wanna watch YouTube videos and listen to songs until I fall asleep. That's my type of rest and relaxation.

See ya peeps tomorrow! I hope I don't play the day away until I forget to do this. Thanks. To compensate for the short post, here's a picture that I like to share with you for no apparent reason. It's just a pic I took from a mall. Again, bubbye!

How cool is this? I can take a dump and then if I'm strong enough I can take a piss at the other toilet bowl. Hell Yeah!

Day 2: Program Transformasi Minda, Postponement News and Monkey Business

2nd of April guys and girls, I'm still alive and I feel great! I called Public Service Department of Malaysia and they told me that I can postpone and my name won't be removed from the course. Yeay! I will join the next course which they don't know when. So, hoping it'll be end of this year.

2nd day of April. Nothing interesting, I touched up my postponement letter and went to a meeting. I'm waiting for the Program Transformasi Minda letter so I can't attach it to my letter as proof as to why I have to postpone going to the course.

The thing about people knowing you will be changing jobs is that you have to tell them that you're not going now. Then, al of them are like, "Laaaaaa..... why lah?" and I told them I have yet to confirm my post and they're like "Wah, so late to confirm job? Our time, PTM was done during our first year. So weird, doing it this late. Then, you're late one batch. When's the next course?"

Yeap, people next time when you break a news like this, not when you get the online result. Wait for the letter to come and then tell them.

PTM will be done in INSTUN, Institut Tanah dan Ukur Negara somewhere in Perak. Yep, that far. I've never been there. It's a 5-day course about Malaysian history and the Malaysian Government. It has classes, activities and that's it. The last day there will be an exam. So, when you finish PTM, they will have a meeting, look at our scores and how well be behaved during the course. So, if the panel unanimously agree to let you pass the course, you pass with flying colours. For me, this is the last one left to confirm my post now. I've finished my department's exam and also General Order Exam. If I pass this, I will be a legit government servant, no more in probation. Yahoo!

I called the ministry and they said the letter will be given tomorrow. So, I have to wait to send my postponement letter on Friday. That sucks, I thought I can send it today.

Yup, and now I can breathe easy knowing I don't feel trapped choosing to resign and be stressed when I go for the PTD course,

Yeah, there are monkeys terrorizing my neighbourhood and I'm afraid to take run outside on the treadmill, fearing ti will be attracted to the songs and the noise of the treadmill. Damn those monkeys. I hope PERHILITAN will catch them soon. Yeah, yeah, my podcast's name is Rambling Monkey, but doesn't mean I love those things. They are considered as pest here in Malaysia. You can shoot it without feeling any remorse. Well, if you're PETA or some extreme animal rights activist, you'd do something else. For me, screw them, take out our gun and shoot on sight.

Alright, I think that's it for tonight. Tomorrow's FRIDAY! (Singing Rebecca Black's Friday) Stay tuned for the 3rd day of B.E.D.A, maybe something interesting will happen... or not. I dunno, I can't predict the future.

So long readers, see you tomorrow. Hope you had a great 2nd of April and may it continue throughout the whole month of April and beyond. Goodbye!

Regards,
Raziel Rizalinium

Blog Every Day in April (B.E.D.A) Day 1, You Freaks! April Fools Mofos!

Hey, it's that time of that month again. No, I'm not taking about your period or bleeding profusely for days and stuff. That's gross. I'm talking about B.E.D.A, Blog Every Day in April, where I challenge myself in composing posts errday in this inter-monsoon month of April. So, let's not ramble a lot, and get on to Day 1*.

* Fine, I know it's already the 2nd of April. I was tired af yesterday and now I have to do 2 posts in one night. So if you have a problem with that, don't read, capiche?

So, 1st of April, one interesting thing happened to me, but we'll start from the beginning. So, as all of you already know, GST just got implemented and yes, a lot of people are complaining about some shops are raising the price of their stuffs and giving out bogus receipts. So yeah, it's a shitstorm of people complaining about it. I read the timeline on Twitter, GST was (still is, actually) trending.

Alright, fast forward to 6.00pm, I'm heading back home, and I'm driving normally until... 2km from the Putra Mahkota exit, a bus suddenly flashed it's lights on me from far away. I'm like, WTF? So I went to the side and  I'm lkelet it pass me. When they did, Someone indicated to me that my one of my tires was flat. I was like, "Oh shit, this is bad". I just drove with a flat tire until the workshop I usually go, and what I saw is that my tire got slashed by something. I didn't remember hitting anything when I was driving.

So yeah, changed the tire and lo and behold... I didn't have enough money to pay for the god-damn tire. I only had RM140 in my pocket and the tire cost RM155. Dude also said I need to change something, I forgot what part of the rim but it was only RM5. All in all, RM160. Embarrassed, I called my dad to swing by to pay for the excess amount. When I was about to pay, the guy took out his calculator and I was like "Eh, RM155 + RM5 also need calculator ah?". He replied, "No, GST, 6% add to RM160 maa...". Ah crap, of all the days, it happened on the 1st day of GST. So, I ended up paying RM169. The original price was RM169.06, but I got a RM0.06 discount. Hey, better than nothing.

I drove back home, with no money in my pocket. So that was my 1st day of April. Yeay!

Oh yeah...... Ermmm.... folks, I have some news for you. Remember I told you that I got through the PTD interview. Yeah, I got the letter already to join the one-year course, but I opted to postpone the course to the other one. You wanna know why? Cuz I haven't confirmed my current post yet. If I go now, then I have to resign and start fresh, with no continuing service, my salary will decrease and also, if anything happens during the course and I got chucked away from the course and I resigned my current job, I won't have a job anymore. Yep, so to be safe, I will confirm this job, and when the next course comes, I can request for study leave with no pay. And whatever happens during the course, I can go back to my old job, because my name is still in my current job place. Yep, that's my story.

So thank you readers if you have read this far. Typing this as fast as I can cuz I have to do the 2nd day's post. Well, see you on the next post. Please, be nice. Goodbye!

Regards,

Raziel Rizalinium.

Day 56 of 365: Happy Stuff and A Lot Of Waiting While Time Flies By and I'm Standing Still

Hello everyone! Welcome to another blog post typed by me (Duh!)

As you may know, I am typing this post without a title and whatever the title will be, I'm sure it will be so original I will have to patent it and people will have to pay me everytime they use on the Internet. I hope so. I dunno, let's just roll and see what my brain has to say.

So, February is coming to an end and I feel like time is really sprinting as fast as Usain Bolt trying to break the record of Earth spins per year. I mean, what's Earth thinking about?

"I'm gonna beat you Mercury, Venus and Mars! I'm gonna be the fastest spinner and will be the fastest in the Milkyway Galaxy! Muahahahahah! (Evil laugh intensifies and coughs ensue).

But seriously, I feel like time is passing so fast I feel like I don't have the time to enjoy things I wanna do. I wanna enjoy. I've been thinking of traveling this year to somewhere, go see the world and stuff. However, many things come at times when I already have plans and those things are something I wanted for so long in my life.

First, I don't know about you guys/gals, if you know this or not: I. PASSED. THE. PTD. INTERVIEW. OMG I didn't know I would pass the interview! I feel ecstatic and a bit scared at the same time! Happy cuz after 3 attempts of trying to pass the exams and fail miserably, the 4th time's the charm! Well, I heard the number 4 is not a lucky number for some people but who cares! I was so happy when I got the news I dry humped my bolster like mad! Well, I didn't really dry hump anything, just smiled and hugged my mom.

Okay, because it says that I passed the interview, I guess the next level would be to go for the 1-year course. Here's where it gets tricky. I dunno when the course will start. It can start either in May up to October. So, I have to stay put in Malaysia and wait for the letter to come and I really don't like waiting. Give the me letter and the date and I can plan ahead my vacation.

Also, I haven't gone to the Program Transformasi Minda (I dunno what's the official name of this program in English is. If you do, please tell me) because there are buttloads of other officers in front of me that haven't gone to that program. It's like a long queue and you have to wait for your turn to attend it. Yeah, that's also another reason why I can't travel AND the date is still unknown. I feel like I've sinned big time that God is grounding me by not letting me travel, but every thing has its happy side of the coin.

Also, my mental state of mind is also back to normal. I'm not moody as before or depressed because I feel ignored by the human population. I met my good friend last week and I kinda talked about my problems and he understood what I'm going through. All I needed is to find friends that have the same interests as I do. All this time, I've been trying to fit in with the wrong type of people. I guess that's the reason for my self-diagnosed depression stems from. So, the solution: I found new friends. Friends that play video games, that are passionate about it, who knows what the hell I'm talking about. My mind resonates with their P.O.V, their opinions. Finally, I have found a circle of friends. Yeah, I'm still friends with my Uni mates and school mates, but not one share the passion I have with video games and deep thinking about stuff that aren't really that deep. I try to sound intelligent but I'm just messing around and people aren't being social justice warriors about it.

What else, what else? Oh, now that I feel like my normal self but with self restraint cuz I do bust out dirty jokes and talk about adult-related stuff now and again, I have to cut those down. It's for the future, y'know? Change for the better, people always say. I'll try to tone down and be mindful of what I post in the Net. Well, as long as I don't go bash about Malaysia or be subversive, it's OK. What I mean is, I'm trying my best to act like a grown up and less like a Uni student. Got that talk from my parents. Now I'm an officer, I have to act like one. My dad knows that I'm going for the PTD course, I have to endure his nagging on how to act like a PTD, because he was a PTD, now retired.

Bla bla bla  I know it's boring stuff. Cuz time is rolling so fast on the deep end I can see Adele still singing Rolling in the Deep, April ain't far away. Remember when I tried doing B.E.D.A? Blog Every frackin' Day in April and I failed to continue after the 10th day? Yeah, I'm gonna give it another shot. 30 days, 1 post per day, the length or idea doesn't matter as long as I put up a post on something interesting. Yeah, wish me luck and pray that I can finish it.

I guess this is where I will end this post, cuz I'm running out of things to type. Game wise, will buy Bloodborne and Mortal Kombat X in the near future. Currently playing AC Unity, Far Cry 4 and Life is Strange. Will pick up Super Smash Bros for 3DS from my friend this week.

That's all folks. Remember this totally random quote that has nothing to do with this post, and you will live just the same as before, because it does not affect your life at all:

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
-George Bernard Shaw

Thanks for reading. See you next time, whenever I feel like posting. Don't hold your breath, you're gonna die, so resume breathing normally. Good bye!

My Struggle With Low Self-Esteem in This Crazy World

I guess by reading the title that I still yet to name, I hope you would spend some time reading the message that I'm trying to convey.

You see, n this world where some people have it harder, where they're not that good looking, they hate their life, thinking that they are always inferior to others and it is embedded in their sorry brain. Well, that's me. THAT'S ME.

I grew up having a fairy tale childhood where it is all sugar, spice and everything nice. Up until I got into secondary school, I got bullied relentlessly for 3 years. From there, I started to hate myself. I took my parents advice that I think was a bad move regarding bullying: "Just let them be. They'll be tired of making fun of you and will go away". You see, that didn't work out well, it got worse and they didn't leave me alone.

I created this notion where if I hate myself even more than others hate me, it'll alleviate the pain I'm going through. I hated more than I loved. I hated the human population equally. I learn I'm not born in this world to  please every soul thinking they deserve it and demand it like they own me.

I was that messed up back then and the only salvation I got was listening to music and writing poems. I wrote a lot, my thoughts, my opinions on how our social structure is flawed, where as men we should look all macho and be handsome all the time, be flirty and have a six-pack, buff body. Girls for me I generalized as a weak gender only knows that they desperately need a man to love them and care for them as if their lives depend on it. I didn't make this up, I listen to girls when they talk, how they ogle at guys and how they would throw themselves the moment the guy noticed them.

I wrote poetry, rather angst-ridden, fuck-you-all, emo, I'd-rather-die-than-bow-to-your-social-acceptance-bullshit stuff. I find it difficult to find in this country where the role is reversed. A shy, introverted guy falls in love with a strong-headed gal. Most of them actually fall for the one's that are outstanding and perfect. I can't blame them, it's natural to love beautiful things in life.

I can't love beautiful things, because it is impossible for me to go to that level where I can be in the circle of those who are comfortable with their physical appearance. I started podcasting because I don't want to show my ugly face, my fat body. Heck, my voice sounds fucking weird, but I brave myself to voice myself as I won't have an outlet to release all my ideas, frustration and rants. Yes, you can say "Go work out, dummy. You would look handsome and fit and girls will take notice of you. Easy". Yeah, let me say this to you, gym rats: I don't care if my body is like Ryan Gosling, I still would suffer from low self-esteem because people judge you silently. You're fat, you're automatically lazy. You're fit, you must be a health freak that shove's your opinions down on everybody's throat regarding your lifestyle and people must follow it so they could be like you.

I do not bend to others that easily. People tell me, "Lose weight the way I do. It's effective! Where this product, you'll look better!" Yeah, sorry, if I wanted to do it, I'll do it myself. I can't stand the coaching as if I need someone to hold my hand to do something, as if you're successful, helping others cuz you think you were horrible before and think other people are the same just like you. Guess what? NO! We're not the same and we will never be! But I will try my very best to become healthy and not succumb to pride when I am fit and healthy. I will not teach you how to be healthy, go ask Kevin Zahri or any other health freaks out there.

If you succeed, Good For You! (clap clap) I applaud you in achieving your life goals. However, I don't care at all about it. If I wanted help, I will limit to what extent you can help. You get me?

Because of my upbringing, I am incapable of loving others. Now, I really wanna learn how to love a human being. Before you go, "You gotta learn to love God first and then your family, friends and then others, blablablacksheephaveyouanywool" I do love God. It's hard for me to love another human being.

HOW CAN I LOVE SOMEONE WHEN I AM INCAPABLE OF LOVING MYSELF?

Capslocked not for screaming but to point out the problem at hand. This is why it is hard for me to find a soul mate. To find love that I don't know still exist in my body. It's hard to find someone that understands my mind, my thought process, that same wavelength where I can talk and they would understand what I'm talking about.

I HATE MYSELF FOR NOT BEING NORMAL. WHAT IS NORMAL? WHO ARE WE TO DICTATE WHAT IS NORMAL AND WHAT IS WEIRD?

No one, I mean no one in my past talked to me, encouraged me, said to me any words of wisdom, like "Life will be filled with hardships. You will stumble a lot. You will find haters even though you did nothing wrong to them. Sometimes you will face them alone. Your friends will sometimes be there for you. Sometimes it's hard for you to find a friend. Most of them are acquaintances, but no true friend. You'll fail many times, but you will bounce back and become stronger than before. That show of strength will attract people in getting to know you and maybe become your friends or enemies".

If someone would sit down with me and say those things, I would be prepared in life better than what I'm facing now. But no, people are too busy to care about others, you get shocked by reality of stepping out in the real world: social-cannibalism, I call it.

Growing up awkward is a crutch for me. I find solace with video games, because I have better control of them than my life. Everyone is progressing so fast I feel left behind, and they won't wait for you. We are stuck in a race. A race we are unwilling to participate but is forced to succeed in life.

Certain people really connect with me well, and I love them dearly. Not many understand, but quality is way better than quantity.

I'll end it here. M brain hurts. I just can't go more. I don't want to get depressed. I don't want to go through the anxiety, people judging your character if you're worthy to live in this world, the cannibalistic jealousy where we eat others to bring them down. I HATE THAT.

Goodbye, dear readers. Yeah, this post is a bit deep and depressing, but I hope you understand what I went through and what I'm going through right now. Thanks if you read this far. I hope when I die, you will understand that there are many others like me, that needs attention and acceptance, not attention whoring, but to know that they exist and need to you to be with them so they won't grow up being bitter and hateful towards the world. Don't coddle or coach them, they hate that, it shows as if you're superior towards them. Be their friend. They will appreciate it greatly.

May peace be upon you.

2015.... Is Just A Number. Interview Story and Podcast Update

Hey, everyone! Welcome to another episode of the Rambling Monkeys Podcast...

Wait, wrong intro. Let's start back.

Hey readers, how are you? How's 2015 treating you already? It's been, what, 8 days? I had an OK New Year. Guess what? I slept so early on New Year's Eve I woke up at 3am and I couldn't sleep after that. I missed all the pretty explosions and pretty fires and stuff. My 8 days in 2015 were fine, thanks for asking (Please pretend that you did ask me, or that sentence would be awkward as fuck).

So, some things happened during the last month of 2014, which was December 2014, because December is the last month, if you didn't get it. I told you freaks I took the Administrative and Diplomatic Officer entrance exam, right? Guess what? I PASSED THE FREAKING EXAM. I was ecstatic, I couldn't contain my excitement I bought a PS4 to congratulate myself as a present to myself for passing the exam I've failed for 3 times. Well, I'd buy the PS4 anyway even if I failed the exam (Psstt... my PSN id is zrizal89. Add me *wink, wink*)

The interview slot was on the 20th December 2014, a Saturday. Lucky me. I typed back my resume, photocopied all the essential papers, certs and ICs. I read almost everything about Government programs, current issues and all that was happening in Malaysia in the newspaper. My brain was begging to me to stop memorizing all this stuff that I would eventually forget the moment I step out of the interview room.

Longer story cut to long (I took away the "er". Clever, innit?), I was looking at my best, and the first thing all the interviewers had to do were write essays in Bahasa Malaysia and English.  4 questions, answer 2. Two essays that were pretty easy but they only gave us like, 30 minutes to write and that was too short to elaborate on the topic.

Next, we had a BMI test. Shut up and don't ask me. Moving along, we registered ourselves for the interview, I got the M room (Not "M for Mature", but the letter "M", because that's how they name the rooms. Don't ask me why.), and I had to fill in some forms, arrange the documents in order so it'll be easy for the interviewer to check if I'd miss anything. My number was 7, my group had like 13 people so it wasn't that long to wait.

I was talking to the other interviewers, they were chill, except for the ladies cuz they were hot! Well, I wish they were hot but they were nervous, Afraid what kind of questions that will be asked in the room.

Long story to kinda-not-that short (medium), it was my turn.

You know the stuff I read, where I've been busting my balls and brain to memorize all the information like a sponge (Like I jammed a whole book of Malaysian Encyclopedia in my head is what it really feels like)? Well, mostly they asked this simple question, "WHY DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF ENVIRONMENT TO PTD?"

I was anticipating this question, but not so early. I can't tell you my answers because I really forgot the specifics of my answer, and that went on for almost 15 minutes, half of 30 minutes (simple math here, readers) trying to provoke me into not being a PTD and staying in DOE. There were many provocations, twist and turns and curve balls and such, I dodged like a fat man trying to dodge balls while playing dodge ball. I got hit, but I didn't fall, I answered coolly, and the whole interview, I spoke in English. I was so nervous in there, I was supposed to answer in Malay because the interviewer asked questions in Malay but I answered in English. That's how nervous I was.

But I felt comfortable because I can convey the answer, reasons and message better than fumbling in Malay and make myself look more like a nervous wreck. So, she changed the subject to personal questions: My hobby, my hopes and dreams in the future, asked if I liked singing (Cuz I showed them my Piano Examination Certs. Dunno how they connect playing piano and singing). I told them about my podcast and they were impressed by it, supporting my project (Woohoo!). The last question she asked me was, "Do you see yourself in the future, as the Director General of DOE or as a Secretary General in a ministry?". I answered, "If God wills it, I wanna be a Secretary General".

Then, that marks the end of the interview. She told me that it was a pleasure talking to me. I thanked here, took my certs, said goodbye and left the room. Yes, dear readers, they didn't ask me one bit about current issues or government programs and such. Yeah, she touched about my current work but it didn't go that deep. I answered calmly what I did and they seemed satisfied.

So, until now, I dunno if my chances to pass the interview is high or not. They could say all the nice words they want and reject me. I can only pray that they could see the potential in me.

That's a long ass story, eh? Maybe I should do a podcast. Oh wait... I do have a podcast!

So, if you don't know me from Adam, or somehow reading this and not know who the hell I am (offended-ness intensifies),,, I'm not that special. So, I created this podcast to have a conversation with my friends and talk about almost anything that can be recorded and published on the Net. My podcast's name is Rambling Monkeys Podcast. There's like, 6 episodes that has been published on PodOMatic, please listen to it ,(Click Here You Sexy Beast. Auuuummm!!) but I'm thinking of porting to SoundCloud cuz there, I can publish Unlimited amounts of Ramblings there!

If you're in Malaysia, or you magically transported to Malaysia and somehow are near to my place (Hint: Near Bangi Komuter Station), I'll pick you there and kidnap you to do an episode with me and you will leave with a grin on your face (Not that we're doing naughty stuff. We'll just talk. What were you thinking, pervs?). OR, you can contact me through Twitter (@LordRizal) and I'l reply faster than Speedy Gonzalez trying to buy a 50% off burrito. We can talk about anything you like, promote anything, maybe you're lonely and need someone to talk to, like games, music, movies, personal experiences... Just come to me. I need to talk too. I'm a boring person.

Yeah, it's been a while since I've updated this blog. So, that's it, hope you readers could bear this once in a blue movie moment that I have the time to type this. So long, farewell my lovely readers. Till next time, I bid you adieu. Yeah, goodbye and have a great day. Now, live your life. I have to take control of mine before it spins out of control like Marty McFly traveling to 2015.

Thanks for reading, and KEEP RAMBLING!