To Her Cerebrum, Cerebellum, and The Medula Oblongata

Words, sharp as weapons,

With accurate precision,

Piercing her brain,

Rupturing her mmemory,

Her conscience wanes,

Driving her insane,

A discreet direct attack,

Towards her,

She lack defences,

The Wall of Power,

The Power of terror,

Razing her mind,

Now, she is lost,

In her own mind,

Groping in darkness,

The Light she can never find,

Fighting her own demons,

Facing the Devil of mercilessness,

Banishing her to an eternity of evil sermons,

Killing her slowly,

Burning her brain,

Bringing her disdain,

Twisting her thoughts as they have said,

Felt like she is brain dead,

Like a bullet through her head,

She felt the agonizing pain,

Nothing she can gain,

Her thoughts of life washed away,

She thinks about Death everyday,

She thinks Death is your friend,

Which brings her solace,

Handing her a gun,

The problem solver,

To all difficulties,

She pointed the revolver,

To say goodbye to the world,

She pulled the trigger,

Now she is dead,

Her brain splattered on the wall,

A story showing,

That she is weak,

As I speak,

To her mind,

As I found,The relative excruciating pain,

From her cerebrum, cerebellum,

And her medulla oblongata...

Suicide Poem. The Dark Days when I just wanna take that gun and put it in my mouth pull the trigger and get it one with. Written April 28th 2008. By Raziel Rizalinium, for Raziel Rizalinium.

You Just Don't Know When To Stop Dreaming. When You Do, It Leaves A Hole In Your Heart

Once, I had that single dream, dreaming to be someday a famous person. A person that really, can change the world in whatever I do, whatever ways in making them feel accepted, things that makes people have a purpose in life. I wanted to be that person, but to be like that, I need to feel that weakness, that despair, that feeling of uselessness formed inside those poor souls, eating their self-esteem, confidence and morality. What I found out, is that none of that happened, and I feel like what I did was nothing more than self torture, destroying my core soul in growing up like a normal human being.

The type of famous that I wanted was not to be known by public, but what is cherished by them. What makes them think of me as those who had helped because I did it for the fame, but for what I think is right and worthy to be helped. Yes, being nice, doesn't mean I'm not picky when helping people. That's who I am, I guess.

That dream when people remember you of the good things you did rather than bad things you've done to them is what i want to achieve before I face my Maker. However.......

Keeping dreams is difficult when things that can't be avoided like chance, unfortunate events, choosing between bad, worse, and worst, lose-lose situations are some things we all have to go through in our lives. Yes, we may hurt some people along the way, but it's the way life is. Somehow, saying sorry for a millionth time doesn't make it any better than it was before. It has become something on an empty word, promise apology in making it feel better for the ears to hear, but not the heart to mend.

Next, I've abandoned that dream. I failed in making it become true. I have stained myself with other peoples hatred, loathing, and spite until I cannot control what is inevitable, Enemies. Yeah, jealousy or witnessing other peoples weakness makes those feel superior or threaten them so they can overcome another being in showing them violence because they want to. I was the victim and I know how it felt to be alienated, picked on and pushed around.

What makes it worse then it is, it leaves ahole in your soul, making you dreamless, nothing seems right, you question your own existence. Why does everything not make sense of anything that shouldn't be related to in the first place? A small world that people think they can runaway from someone, just to be caught in the same place they committed the crime? Babbling again, sorry. You see, I've lost faith in what they call a dreams, hopes, goals. Not only they only just plan by saying it, but they are not doing nothing about it.

Dunno why, but I feel empty inside, when all I ever dreamt of never came true, because what I want is impossible. It frustrates me to think like that, like If I don't do any harm to others, no harm will come upon me. For me, that's bullshit. Problems crop up anywhere, you just need to learn how to overcome all of it. Shit, if I get a penny for every dream a kid says before sleep, I'd be rich and can afford to die and buried in Mars.

So, with the File Sharing sites blocked in this country, the nerd rage is heating up and will explode any minute. I'm not supposed to say anything right now, but hey, it's your death wish, mate. Let's say that they are destroying these people's dreams. Hehehe... 

So, that's it. Actually just saying nonsense. Hope you have a clear path in making your dreams come true, because I don't have one. See ya next time, suckas... Have a fucking good holiday and stay off the booze if you're driving, awright... Bye.

Feeling Content? Hell No!!

Just that now I finished my degree, the road to unveil my future is shrouded with mystery, or someone forgot to switch off the smoke machine... Y'see, Now, the group will separate to two groups, one who will find a job, and one who will further their studies, Masters. Well, I belong to the second group, cuz actually I don't feel like having a serious job in my early twenties. C'mon, who gives a two-bit shit bout a 22-year-old saying stuff and believe em'? I for sure don't believe it. So, I'll be doing my Masters, and with my parents approval, well, the wheels will roll on with haste and fall into pieces, completing the beginning of my first step to making myself useful to the country.

However, I just don't feel that connection with others bout having a job now. I feel like learning is something that is fulfilling and needs to be done continuously. I need that satisfaction of learning new things and things that makes my brain think all the time. If I stop thinking, my brain will project absurdities and think of the impossible. It is highly dangerous for me to do that. I can go crazy and start questioning what is not supposed to be questioned. Much of em are philosophical bullshit, like, "Why am I living?", or "Why am I born a human, not something else?", or "What is the purpose of living?". Yeah, those type of questions. I'm trying to help myself get out of that hell-hole and make it go straight back up above ground, and I'm living dangerously, walking along the edge, one tip to the side and I'll fall like Humpty Dumpty. Or Jack. Whatever.

So, what I need is to exercise. Well, physically and mentally. More to physical but my mental health is so tired and bored, when turned off, It'll burst and break down and sadly, will be far from being treatable with Diazepam or Prozac. I've been force running myself on the treadmill. Need to shed some weight off my body. I'll also be making my brain running with exercise, like watching videos, Sudoku, reading books and novels, watching bad porn movies with awful dialogues where the man didn't even do anything and the chick just gave him head for no reason whatsoever. Yeah, you think I watch em' cuz I'm a perv? Well, I criticize those vids too. At least make it believable.

Moving on, to fill in these small space of time before my mom forces me to find a part time job in having to fill in the big space of time between now and September, I've been playing games. One in my PS3 and he other in my friend's PC. I'm playing LA Noire in PS3 and re-playing Fallout New Vegas in PC. Yeah, LA Noire fuckin' rulezzz y'all!! It's like a movie and the motion capture of the faces is just... WOW!! Totally worth every RM160. Next on my list will be months away, is inFamous 2. I know it's comig this June 7th, but money restrictions and all, can't buy em in a space of 2 weeks, got to eat and drive y'all. Driving means I need gas money, fools!!

Y'know what, maybe it's because of I have that ningling fear of being an adult. Being an adult, means you have tons and tons of responsibilities to do. Pay this, pay that, do complicated work which I don't understand. Mostly hocus pocus, mumbo jumbo to me. So, to avoid being that guy who criticizes anything for no reason and trying to be show off, I'd better shut my mouth and move on. Don't give a fuck, actually. THAT'S why I'll be doing my Masters. So, I can be an adult, but gradually and slowly. Man, just think, being an adult. Taxes, bills, and even if you have sex it feels like an obligation than having fun, paying a hooker feels more like business too. You pay for the pimp and the value added tax. Humph!!

I'd love to stay as a 22 year old, but then when you say that, you get older, and you;ll wish that you were younger and you'll end up being disappointed not doing anything with your life. I don't like being alone, being single for more than 2 years... Well, that's my choice. The only hot action I'll get is with Rosie Palm and Her Five Close Friends who lives on West Side. Mostly people prefer girls on the East but I'm a bit different, get it? I hope you don't, cuz I'm not talking bout girls.

Well, people won't be reading this shitz anyways, so I just feel that I need to cool off, have some finger warm-ups right now. Typing is fun if it's really about nothing, but it contains something. It feels refreshing and enlightened to type this. Maybe it's therapy for weirdo and nerd like me. I can write about anything as long as it is not serious and stuff that makes people troll your blog, well, it's good enough for me.

If you read this, means you do give a damn about me! I feel so happy when you read this useless crap, and the more you read it, the more you feel you've wastes precious time reading my blog. I feel like spewing profanities, cussing left, right, front and back but I'm trying not to be like that. That ain't me, yo. That ain't cool. So, if you want to be friends with me, at least say Hi and leave a comment and I will or will not respond to it. If you put sexy pictures or you are a sexy lady, I'll respond to you as quick as lightning, or like any other cyber predator there is.

I'll be back, and make you feel more uncomfortable to you by talking about Period Cycle. Nah, fuck that, don't believe it. I'll be writing more rants and blatherings to make you feel that actually, there is someone who is more douchebag than you are and I feel like I have a chance to live in this world and not commit suicide. Good, let me be your guiding light by being in your darkness, I consume your insecurities and make your life better than I have right now. I am your saviour in not feeling insecure with your body and any fluid or icky sticky that comes out of you. OK, see you next time in Rizalinium's Crazy LaLa Land. Don't do drugs, I'll fuck up your mind. Read my blog, it's as damaging as it can be. Goodbye, lovely readers.