Thursday 23 June 2016

The Unkindled

The echo inside my head
Pounding hard to burst out
Those words I should have said
Screams lies that I know nothing about

A daylight jump scare
Drags down my dreams
Changes to a nightmare
A whisper, turns into a deafening scream

I'm not your man
Find me if you can
I'm not your lover
Lost and undiscovered

I'm just a shadow
Life left me hollow
Fading in the background
Gone without a sound

I prefer not to speak
I'm an irrelevant freak
I prefer not to write
I see darkness in light

I carved a hole in my heart
I'm the idiot who is smart
I numb the pain inside
So I feel validated on the underside



Tuesday 21 June 2016

No Title, Part 1: Memories and Revelations

Disclamer: Yeah, yeah, fictional characters, got any same name, it's just a coincidence, nothing to do with anyone dead or alive, but some are based on. Got no title yet, characters names not confirmed yet, just a pilot. Comment on it, please, if I need any correction or improvement. Enjoy!

“Damn!” He tossed the crumpled paper to the wall. Another failure. Another half-baked plot which didn’t make any sense to him at all. This was very, very bad for Nate. It has been months since he started to write another novel, but no idea had come to him. No spark from his muse that had been his lone companion in delivering the best lines of his life. Now, that lovely time has gone and living seems like a waste of time.

It was raining heavily outside, lightning piercing the atmosphere which he felt the sudden jolt when the floor rumbled at his humble abode.  The cigarette between his fingers has lost its flavour, and he threw it out of the window, and after a long body stretch, he stared outside, looking at Mother Nature’s rage, screaming like a banshee, obliterating trees along the road with her strong gale and roaring storm.

The success of his first novel, The Grand Passion was just a distant memory he’d love to have back. That feeling of people loving the stories that based loosely on his scandalous adventures, amorous liaisons, made him a rich man along the way to stardom. The readers always and will always love to read scandals. However, karma taught him a lesson that what comes up, must come down. He felt that sinking feeling that he will be that author who only has one great book and what comes after are horrible and crap. That thought has disturbed for months and left him sleepless especially nights like this. He also felt abandoned by his fans, family and friends, and his best friends, Sal and Daniel.

Sal, also known as Sally, is his best friend since his childhood days, alongside with his comrade-in-arms and best buddy, Daniel.  They were the epitome of mischievous and trouble in their younger days. How happy and blissful those days were, until 2 years ago.

Daniel married Sally. That hit him like a curve ball out of nowhere, hitting him below the belt. It was expected that those two were in love during their university days. The looks that they gave were obvious, looks of a couple both madly in love. They dated for another 2 years before tying the knot, on that cold winter month of December. He felt uncomfortable just to look at them and felt like the odd person out of the picture which they have painted for themselves, forgetting him like a shadow disappearing when the sun comes down. They had their honeymoon in Southern France and now, living happily as husband and wife.

He didn’t like that pinch of jealousy inside him swelling and telling him that he should be marrying her, as he has secretly loved her for years, but he was afraid to hurt Dan’s feelings. He just stepped down and let Dan took rein over her and woo her and finally, asked for her hand in marriage. It made him feel sick just rewinding those bitter memories which he thinks are better buried deep, deep down in a Pit of Regrets.

After the wedding, he retreated back home and became a recluse, only going to out to socialize with his other friends, or acquaintances, down at the bar, watching football on weekends. He went back during the holidays to meet his parents, trying his best to avoid Sal and Dan, but it was impossible. They will surely come over to his parents home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, as they live nearby. That awkward moment when you try to initiate a conversation with them but you see that they were displaying public affection on the dinner table and at the living room. It made him feel uneasy that he always went outside to have a smoke and not come back for an hour or two. Nobody cared if he was off for a long time. He was in his own world, thinking about his next book, his next fictional adventure. Anything to take away from looking at his 2 best friends making out and imagining them making love in the bedroom, or anywhere that was possible to do the deed. 

In the span of 2 years, he churned out only 2 books, but they didn't do as well as his first. Goodreads comments were getting toxic, criticizing and comparing his first book with the new ones, saying he has lost his touch, his writings were becoming more broody and the progression of his story were getting too predictable. The female character in every book were the same, but with different names.

The female character that almost looks like Sal.

He decided to take a break for 4 months after the 3rd book and then start again, with a clear head, a carton of cigarettes and a good bottle of whisky. However, after that wedding, it affected his writings. He couldn't imagine or describe something with finesse. He was getting more and more belligerent and tactless in his writings. His latest books could pass off as a borderline erotica and less of a romance. Surprisingly, the publisher didn't mind, thinking it might attract new readers. Well, it did, but not that much. He tried so hard to capture the essence of the infatuation, lust and love. Heh, LOVE. Maybe he has lost faith in love. Maybe that's why he's been getting writers block these past few weeks.

He ruffled his hair, took a deep breath and looked up at his ceiling that was making a creaking sound because of the strong winds blowing outside. If the storm goes on for another hour or two, there will be a leak somewhere. The creaking pattern of the ceiling soothed him. Hypnotically, it helped him relieve his stress of not being able to write and not think about his past regrets. As he couldn't write anything and it was getting late, he decided to hit the sack and maybe take a walk early in the morning, with fresh air in his lungs. The nicotine had lost its appeal. 

As he was heading to his bedroom, suddenly, there was a loud knock on his front door, that woke him from his stupor. He didn’t know there was anybody willing to call on him at this weather, also late at night. He walked cautiously to the front door and peeked at the window to see who it was. He was shocked to see who was standing, shivering wildly because of the cold rain.

It was Sal, drenched from head to toe, looking sad and possibly crying in the rain. She must’ve drove miles away from her house just to meet him. It has been a full 4 months since the he met her, during Christmas. She looked beautiful as always, wearing her green sweater and a windbreaker couldn’t even hide her goddess-like physique, that brown hair and deep blue eyes and to top it all was her skin tight jeans, showing her long, sexy legs and her round bottom. She looked elegant even drenched in rain . However, he needed to put that thought out of the window. She was married to his best friend, who's also one of her best friends. Friends help each other without having lust controlling the mind but concern and being helpful when one is in trouble or facing problems.  Something was wrong, and he felt that he needs to eke out the truth behind this sudden meeting.

“What the hell are you doing? Come inside, don’t just stand there.” He grabbed her and quickly closed the door so the neighbours didn’t see her standing in front of his house. “Before you explain yourself, go take a hot bath and we’ll have a long talk about this”. What in God’s name was she thinking, running away like this? Daniel must be worried sick.

“OK, Nate, but don’t call Dan. Trust me, I’ll tell you everything why I’m doing this.” With a worried face,  she helped herself to his bathroom and took a shower.

After waiting for her for at least 15 minutes, drinking two cups of hot coffee to keep him awake, she finally finished showering, wearing his over-large bath robe, looking more like a monk, trying to stare with him with that piercing gaze that could cut him to pieces. She sat calmly next to him with a stern but pleading gaze.

“OK, now can you tell me what’s going on? Does Dan know you’re here? What made you come here, anyway? Did you have a fight….” Without warning, she broke down crying, rushing to him for a hug. Suddenly, that uneasy feeling of platonic friendship and lust raged in a battle that is trying to win over his emotion. He tried kicking himself in his head, trying to make sense out of this. She is married. Married women are out-of-bounds. This is not like one of his stories in The Grand Passion, where the character dallies with married women just for the fun of it.

“I’ve been so stupid all along. I shouldn’t marry him in the first place. I know that this was the biggest mistake of my life. I thought he loved me, but…” Her words trailed with sounds of sobs and sniffs and choked with tears trailing down her puffy eyes.

“But what? What happened, Sal? Did Dan hurt you? Did he do anything stupid?” Dan can sometimes be a bit reckless and outspoken, hurting others without knowing with his sharp tongue and ill-choice of words, but then, that’s normal when you are friends for more than 20 years.

“No. He’s cheating, Nate. He’s having an affair with his partner in business. Coming home late, extra work in the weekends. He’s neglecting me. We haven’t had any real conversation for weeks. I confronted him and he said the workload is too much and he is needed everywhere. I don’t believe him, Nate.” She buried her face on his shoulder, letting it all out.

“Dan? Daniel? The Daniel, our friend for almost 20 years, cheating? I think it’s hard to  believe. Don’t you think that he’s really overworked, and that having a female partner in business is just sparking your untoward jealousy over her?” No way Dan cheated on her, he loved her to Death. He was protective and even tried to clobber him when he even stared her with a demeaning look.

“What?!” Her voice changed. She was furious, and it was showing as she turns red and her fist was clenching his shoulder and it felt like his shoulders were going to be ripped out of his body. “You don’t believe me? I thought you would at least show some sympathy for me and trust me. If you think I’m lying, I have proof that he has been cheating on me.” She stood up, took her bag and took out a handful of pictures and threw it and his desk.

They were pictures of Dan, no doubt about it, with an attractive blonde, tall and slender, having a good time at a fancy restaurant, having lunch. Another, they were shopping at a lingerie store. Other photos were just them walking; holding hands together, but one picture caught his eye.

“Oh, you saw that photo, huh? A photo of him kissing his “business partner” near the fountain. Now you see it?” She jabbed the desk and he feared it will break in two.

“Where did you get these pictures?”

“I followed him, of course. One can never be too trusting when excuses like that are given and one just wave it off like that.” She calmed down, sat next to him, slouching at the end of the sofa. "

“Bloody hell. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know Dan could be such…. an ass. Maybe I need to talk some sense out of him…”

“NO! That won’t do. He’ll eventually know that I’ve been following him around, taking these pictures and taking them to you. It’d cause mayhem. I don’t want our friendship to be broken because of this.”

“Well, I can tell you he’s an idiot for doing this to you. Can’t believe… Dan… doing this?” By Jove he’d beat the crap out of him and leave him to rot and die for all he cares. “By the way, where is Dan right now?”

“Outstation, with his “business partner” in New York. They must have a great time, walking in Central Park, having hot…”

He cleared his throat loudly. She stopped and looked at him. “Well, I do need a place to sleep. With the weather getting worse, I don’t think I can go back home now.”

“Yeah, you can sleep here. The couch is comfortable enough. In the morning, if the weather turns out good, I’ll follow you back home. I can visit my parents along the way.” His parents lived only 5 miles away from Sal and Dan. He needed to talk to his parents about this grave situation, preferably away from Sal. 

“Nate, can you sit next to me, for the night. I don’t want to be alone. I feel sad when I’m alone, and it makes me feel worse.”

The thought of him cuddling with her on the sofa with her wearing nothing but a bath robe is the thing he doesn’t want to be experiencing right now. He shouldn’t take advantage of her right now, not ever. However, what are friends are for? “Sure, I’ll be here with you all night if you want to.”

“Thank you.”

“Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?” He tried to smile an innocent smile, and she smiled too. In his head, this is going the opposite of well, or is this what he wanted all along? Alone, with the woman he loved secretly for god-knows how long.

He held her while she cuddled on him to get some sleep for a full hour, but then, she had this quizzical look on her that made him uncomfortable. Like a confession, or a statement that she’ll be blurting out any second.

“Nate, can I ask you something?”

“Yep, what is it?” He tried to put on that innocent look on her, but he’s so transparent that she can see right through him.

“Well, between us, well…. I don’t know how to say this. Do you have feelings for me?”

Oh God, his worst case scenario has been made true. How to answer this question? Think, Nate, think!

“Feelings? Like friends? Well yes, I do.” Okay, play that innocent card again.

She felt unsatisfied with his answer, and knows that he’s just beating around the bush with her. “No, no. I mean, real feelings. Something more than friends. Affection.” That’ll make him feel trapped.

“Affection? More than friends?” He couldn’t get away from this situation. Only way is to lie straight to her face. “No,no. You’re married. We’re friends. I’m not gonna succumb into an affair, especially with my best friend, married to my other best friend. Well, acquaintance, or fellow.” If he lives that long when they meet face-to-face.

“For a guy who writes romance novels, you are a bad liar. I know. I’ve been reading that book of yours. Quite… adventurous, I’d say.” She suddenly smiled a wicked smile at him.

“You read my book?” Oh damn, she knows that all the female characters are based on her, with fragments of her physical description split to many women in the book. “I thought you don’t read my book. Too soft for a hardy woman like you.”

“Well, I did. I’m a bit curious about the female characters you invented. They all have at least deep, watery blue eyes, with luscious lips and long legs. I can make a hazard guess who you were “borrowing” those features from.”

“My next-door-neighbour?” Oh, nice move, idiot. Your next door neighbour is a 60-year old man who does nothing but cranking up oldies songs and getting drunk and passing out on the porch.

“No, me. You’ve been fantasizing about me, have you? Just admit it. I won’t get angry. I have a husband cheating in New York and I’m not surprised with any revelations that my best friend is actually having sexual fanta-”

“OK,OK. I admit it. I loved you since college. We never parted from each other until my fall from grace in being an author and you marrying Dan.  You never talked to me, texted me, no typing a post on Facebook –“

He rambled on and on until she put her finger on his lips, quieting him, effectively. She sat straight and looked straight to his confused eyes. “Why haven’t you told me about your deep feelings to me?” A simple question to ask, but for Nate, it will be a hell lot of words coming out of his mouth.

“Because I don’t want Dan and me to be rivals. I don’t want our friendship to be broken because we are trying to woo you. I’m being a gentleman here. Dan wanted you more than Life. He always told me that you are the one for him. He’d rather die than see you with another man.”

“You’re a coward, you know that? Being a gentleman, my ass. You should at least put up a fight. You don’t know my feelings until you tell me yours. How dare you think I’m that predictable and think I love Dan with all my heart and soul -“

“What? You mean you don’t love Dan?” Well, this is interesting. Too interesting.

“No, you stupid man. I love you! I’ve made a horrible mistake in marrying a man I don’t love. I thought you were playing with my feelings and I thought you weren’t interested in me. At least Dan showed his feelings towards me. Mostly his feelings, but not mine. I loved you the moment I realized when we were in university.”

Awkward silence stalled the conversation. Nate was so shocked by this revelation. He couldn’t breathe properly after that sentenced was thrown with force towards him. His body felt numb. He couldn’t think straight. He tried to say something back, but he stuttered.

“Stuttering, are we? That made you genuinely shocked.”

“Well… yeah.. I… uhh... – “

“And now, you owe me a kiss.” She grinned with a glint in her eyes.

“Wha-? A what?”

“A kiss. Seriously, have you gone dumb or are you just teasing me? I feel that those years we have lost pursuing the wrong profession and the wrong person, we should try out kissing. You know, if those feelings we have are real or not.”

“Well, if you insist-“

“I insist it very much.”

Then, their faces were level, and he parted his lips and matched it with hers. The fusion of their lips seems incredible. She tasted like fine wine and strawberry, sweet and succulent. His lips plundered her mouth like a conqueror invading a sought out land. She kissed him back, with enthusiasm.  God, how he wished this kiss would last forever, he would die as a happy man, if he is meant to die after this. However, this forbidden love shouldn’t stop here.
He pulled away from the kiss, slowly savouring the taste  in his mouth. While looking at her face, filled with ecstasy and lust.

“Well, my word. That was something, isn’t it?” She felt that her knees would unbuckle and she would fall down the floor, boneless from that kiss.

He felt triumph, bravery flowing through him. He needed to do something bold, like tear that robe off and make love with her on the spot, but planning is important in making this unity much, much more pleasurable and wicked and fun.

He scooped her off the sofa, carrying her like she was weightless and kissed her more until he felt that feeling of lust kicking in his system.

“My, getting bold are we? And where are you going, carrying me like this? To an empty library, or on a darkened terrace, my lord?” She emphasized “my lord” with such a naughty, husky voice. She was re-enacting a scene in his books where the main character carried one of his lovers to an empty library and made love of the sofa.

Oh, God, he couldn't stand this teasing anymore.  He’d better make this quick, or he’ll collapse from sheer ecstasy of her voice. “Well, I don’t have a library, and there is a balcony upstairs, but I don’t want to shock the neighbours with you screaming, pleading, for me to service you quite thoroughly. A bed will do, my lady.” He didn’t know what this feeling is, even after sleeping with countless women in the past, this is different, but it was a hell lot better than being alone and bitter.

“Well, shall we go to the bed then?” She rubbed his strong chest, circling it with her fingers.
Damn, here it goes. “Yes, and I will have my way with you, underneath me, screaming out my name, on my bed. Multiple times.”

“How exciting and scandalous of you. To make love with a married woman who just found out about his husband’s infidelity. You can write a story out of this.”

He smiled wolfishly. A great story indeed. His muse has come back to him after months abandoning him. But first…

 He carried her to the bedroom, he kissed her deeply as a confirmation that this is real and not some dream he is having many times alone in his bedroom. Tonight will be a special night for him and the weather can’t make it any worse, as he is with the woman she loved, ready and wanting for him to make wild, passionate love…