I Don't Love You Anymore

When I see you,

The feeling has lost itself,

Buried far away under,

You have become, 

A distant memory to remember,

When we met in December,

Our lives were dismembered,

We became demented,

We have lost the game of love,

We were defeated,

You became a song,

Of a broken-hearted desire,

We fell to the holes of repeating liars,

Lies that burns our passion of fire,

To be ashes of the forgotten past,

I am sorry to see you now,

For saying "Say it no more",

Because I do not love you anymore,

My love died down,

You couldn't care anymore,

I cried when I saw you,

Walk to the door,

I cannot bear the pain,

Of my heart that is sore,

Because the love could never be more,

The work of our love,

Was accidentally torn,

For I cannot love you more,

For I shall walk to the door,

Because I do not love you anymore,

When I walked farther,

You shouted hoarsely,

You said we were perfect,

Now our lives are finished,

I'm sorry but I have to leave,

I did everything until i couldn't give,

I'm in no mood for love,

I am no longer above you,

So I will walk away,

I hope you will find another,

That can love you forever,

Everyday, every year,

But before I go,

I would like to say it one more,

I don't love you,

ANYMORE....

This poem was written on the 17th of April 2007. This is still my anthem in break-ups in my life. It was dedicated to my ex when it we were not really in good times, so I dunno how to say it in front of her. So, I wrote this poem to her and guess what, we broke up smoothly. She wanted out, I wanted out. Still, this poem will always resonate in my head, those mistakes I've done, the wrong turns I've made. Those who just broke up, read this. It kinda cheered me up, though, depressed as it is. Enjoy this poem, y'all. Thanks for reading, Goodbye...

Marriage Talk PART 2

It's been a hell of a journey, doing this thing for fun and then it turns to something serious and all that it takes is just a notebook and an internet connection, and an identity. Well, like I said, life is like a roller coaster, it goes up, down, sideways and upside down. You hear a lot of people giving advice, bla bla bla... It gets boring when you grow older, listening to the sermons and people saying things over and over and over and over. The Wheel of Boredom rolls like a Death Circle, consuming the anything interesting and happy and substitute it to something lame. It gets awfully boring when you live alone. People say that for someone to overcome this loneliness is to marry. Yeah, simple, obvious fact.

But what happens when you feel like you are not destined to get married? What happens you become old and still perverted and a womanizer at the age of 59? You have sex with a lot of women but that empty feeling is still there. What good is it to have all the money in the world, all the cars, big boys toys, the ho's you can afford, but you don't have that legitimate loving towards one woman, that grand passion you want to have. I'm not talking about sex, but something more than intimacy. That is what's lacking in me. That feeling of when you're with that someone, you get goosebumps, that feeling of protectiveness, that warmth flowing when you intertwine, in a most intimate hugging. All this time I see girls, all I can see is that she is bang-able or not? Is she bendy and great in "gymnastics"? Then, it made me thinking that it is more than sex, it's that pure love i fail to see with my eyes and heart. I've been living alone for what, 4 days and it sucks. What happens if you feel alone for the rest of your life? Not married, no heirs, parents already moved on.You feel that a reality check is appropriate, to know what the hell is happening. When people think that their career is important, what good is it to your life? You work, and then you will retire, what happens next? You will regret that when you were young, you don't have the time to find a wife, to SHARE your life with. Your other half of your soul, mixed into a pure, innocent love that can overcome all the problems in the world. That is much much more important than sex. You need not only a partner in bed, but a partner in life, a best friend that helps you anytime , anywhere and always sticks with you no matter what. I just realized this just like, moments ago.

Also, to find a future wife/husband, you should be cautious. A happy wedding does not mean a happy wedded life. A wedding is just a show to show the world that ou are legally married. However, what happens next is another story. This is where it gets wrong in movies and fairy tales. The magic or accursed phrase, "And They Live Happily Ever After". We only see in novels, movies that in the end, they get married, but do you know what married couples nowadays will have to go through? Financial problems, pregnant wife, difficulties in married lives, demanding baby chores, both are working. Preparation for the up and coming baby. Difficulties in pregnancy. You think it is easy nowadays. Take that fictional happy ending of wedded life out of your mind and get back to reality. Life has obstacles and it is easier said than done when you say, "I wanna get married!". You have to prepare and not let your genitals to the thinking. My mother said to me,"If you wanna get married, don't think that you can only have sex all day long. Don't just make babies, and when you have one, don't be lazy when you take care of the baby".

That got me thinking. I'm stressing this because nowadays, I hear some girls when they say,"After graduating, I wanna get married". Hmmm, in my opinion, why don't you enjoy single life first? Work, enjoy when you can with your friends. When you are matured, like in the age of 25, you are ripe for marriage. Married life is demanding. For men, it is a demanding mistress, apart from your wife. It is hard for me to say, I'm gonna get married after graduating this year. Huh, you want to give them sand to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner? I have planned, well, a tentative to be exact, if there will be any changes, to at least marry at least at the age of 28,29? The latest is 30. I need to prioritize my life first before helping someone else. For girls, I think they should at least wait a bit, know what is there in store for them before getting leg shackled to a man.

You will regret it if you marry too early, especially at a young age. Don't worry, you will find a great guy, who cares, adores, worships you. No need to rush. There have been cases of infidelity when women marry too young. Feeling dissatisfied with their lives, they find enjoyment with other men. It makes me sad to feel her pain when the husband goes to work everyday, comes back home at night, and then goes to sleep without talking. The routine goes on and on and the wife got boring. To guys, when you get married, don;t just say I Love You, show them that you love them deeply, form your heart, surrender to Love. Spend some time with your future wife, and when you have children, take care of them with the right responsibility and not overdoing it. Making your sex life interesting may save your marriage. That, I'll leave it to you to find out how to do it.

The reason for divorce cases that is on the rise is that couples are not communicating often like they used to. Everything seems to be predictable, boring and even redundant. Do something fun in your life. Learn how to dance, go jogging together, read the same books, go karaoke, for the young and hip and unrepentant couples, go clubbing, under each others supervision, of course. Find that feeling of intimacy and loving that is waning when you have married for a long time. Hey, I'm not married yet, but I can see it in my parents, my brother and my sister, who just got married 2 years ago and a baby to boot. Married life needs to the like a car. You have to go for a service every once in a while to keep the motor running. I don't know what young newly-weds do now, but for old people like my parents, they like to go travelling, to see the world. To relax, go with the easy flow. I like that, but I like travelling the hard way, Backpacking. no need for fancy hotels, just motels would do. However, if I get married, well, you need comfort in bed, when THAT time comes, huh?

OK, moving on, make sure when you promise her to love, to cherish, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, you meanit. Vows should not be taken lightly. It is an oath, that you take care of each other, no matter how tough the problem is, you stick together like glue. You advice each other, what is right or wrong. R.E.S.P.E.C.T is key to a stable marriage. A united understanding is also important and teaching each other any good moral values of married life or life itself is important. Next is the importance of in-laws and how they react to your married life. One should know your in-laws and love them like your own family. Do not treat them as strangers when they come to your house. It is important to have that strong bond with them, especially when you need them in helping with a first born baby, or new wife problems, the taboos in marriage and all other things. However, set the line between being helpful and being nosy with your life.

Next is your health. A healthy marriage does not only mean the relationship, but your health physically. Take care of your health, exercise, be strong and fit, because when you get sick, it gets hard for the other to function without worrying like hell. Always feeling sick will restrain that intimacy because a sick person cannot have a normal intercourse, unless you can't stand it anymore. In finance, only buy what is needed only when you just got married. Newlywed always have financial problems, firstly, to find a house, to pay the bills, thinking of saving money for the firstborn baby. Spend wisely. To indulge, it can wait years to come, when the children has graduated and can support themselves, you can do whatever you want. However, you can spend some money for a family trip or vacation, but don't spend outrageously. And lastly, a happy family is a religious family. Teach them the ways of God, I don't care if you are Islam, Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, Jew or any other religion, that to have meaning of life and living, religion will light that path.

As a Muslim, teach them to read Iqra', Quran, how to pray, discipline them in praying at the right time, follow the ways of Prophet Muhammad S.A.W. This is because with no religious background, a family will be broken, as it has no pillar to support it. In Malaysia, we call someone who just got married as building a mosque. This is because it is a nucleus in teaching yourself, your wife and children about Islam. Teach them the history of Islam, the warriors of Islam, the prophets, all about Islam. Buy books, encourage them to read and know that religion is important, as nowadays, there are many non-believers and anti-religion people on the rise, or atheists. Set rules and disciplines which are not to restrictive, but under watchful eyes of you and your wife.

Well, I think that's it for me, hope you endure this boring but informative entry posts. Hope you consider this thoroughly when you want to get married, and please, PLAN AHEAD before jumping in the freezing water, because you have to have a swimming suit to dive in, but not in your birthday suit. Heh, just jokin'. So, I'll be going now, hope you guys and gals have a good life ahead, live smart, think smart, die smart. Can you die smart? I dunno, hope to try it sometime. Tis' goodbye, until we meet again in the future, dear readers. Goodbye, Ciao, Adios, Au revoir, Selamat Tinggal, and Wassalam...



One Happy Family, Y'all!!:-D

Past, Present and The F Word With Plans.

OK, I know it says past, present and all that, but I meant to say is the future, yep the F word I always hate to love and love to hate. It's so unknown to all of us that it emits fear. What will happen in the future. Is it gonna be good, or bad, or nothing will happen? For someone like me, who will be graduating this year, feel that emptiness of the future, where your are given a choice to either work, or continue your studies. You see, I've never had a steady job in my life. So, to say that to work after having my degree, I don't feel safe with only a degree. A degree in Environmental Science, well, for Malaysia, there's not that much of a prospect for Environmental Science graduates. I went to my Uni's Career Placement Program, and all these big companies trying to attract students in working with them. The most wanted students are IT students, engineering, management, economy, human resource, human development but no Environmental Science. I feel that we are the lost in trying to find jobs associated with our field. We have to jump wagon to other fields almost the same to our degree, like forestry, biology, chemistry, physics. But then, they'll choose those who are majoring in those fields, making us like second grade people. The prospect for environment in Malaysia is a bit restrained, not to say there isn't any, but for too little. OK, there's the Department of Environment, but then, how many people can work there? There are other government departments, but jobs that are given are not specific, and it is more to office work, not technical stuff. 

I'm not trying to be picky here, but I think that other courses have a better chance in getting jobs that is related than ours. To tell you the truth, you think Environmental Science, we don't even learn about biodiversity or animals and plants, those are for biologists. We only learn to monitor the natural resources, study the cause and effects of the environment alongside with development. That is what we Environmental Science students do. So, we look at private companies dealing with environment, which I think is not diverse and not that many. This is because the government is still in control of environmental monitoring and only privatizing certain aspects of environment, like Solid Waste Management and Water Quality. Anything else is under the government or half government or government funded. There are some companies that are fully privatized but they don't have the technology and experience because of lack of experts in the field.

There is the new branch of economy in Malaysia which is called Green Technology, trying to make buildings sustainable and all. However, those are for architects, landscape designers and engineers job. I can't see where Environmental Science students fit in. We're gonna do what? Monitoring the building everyday, I don't thin so. Here comes the overlapping of jobs between Environmental Science and Environmental Engineering. We don't do the same thing, but we learn the same thing, but they learn more in engineering but we learn more about science. However, when we go out, they have the better chance in getting jobs than us. Because of the word Engineering at the back, people flock to them like hungry children in Africa gobbling each and every single one of them, while we are pushed to the side, not knowing why they can't get a job. I tried talking to my seniors and all of them didn't get jobs related to them. Some of them just came back to become research assistants, tutors, or lucky, working outside the university but doing something different. If anything else fails, they register to be Government Servant working for the Ministry, which is typical, considering old people saying don't be choosy in finding a job.

Yeah, yeah, I know, don't be choosy and all but then what the heck did we study for three or four God damn years for? Fun? No, so that we specialize in what we do, and do jobs in improving that one aspect that we all neglect, the environment. We hear, "Save The Environment!", and then we see them litter and smoke at the back. Shouting slogans won't make the rivers become crystal clear. Wanna take a swim in the Klang River? Or maybe Gombak River?

So, you want to know my future? I've been thinking ahead. I plan in furthering my studies, doing Masters, but not in Environment, but in Psychology. I need to learn more and take more subjects as I don't have any background in Psychology. Maybe I'll be doing it overseas, or local, I don't know yet, need advice on that. I'll be specializing in Environmental Psychology, a rare branch of Environment I don't think people know exist. I don't know, it's a thing for me to like delve into minds of people, reading the thoughts, how they react to situations. Y'know, originally I've always wanted to go to criminology, profiling offenders, murderers, psychopaths. It WAS a passion of mine, but then, I missed it. So, to compensate, I want to try Environmental Psychology. I want to do it until my PhD and maybe try to be a lecturer, teaching the minds of people and how they react to the environment and its changes. We all are trying to be GREEN, but how far is it that we want to be sustainable to the world and its resources? Why do we pollute even though we know it is wrong? Why is it that we are selfish and oblivious when we want to make it easy for us, without considering the effects of degrading the environment? See, it flows in my mind, the way people think is fascinating. Those who don't have a good imagination, will struggle with me when talking about anything metaphysical stuffs. If by any chance I have too much time in my life, I still wanna pursue criminology. We lack this in Malaysia and I want to do some profiling of criminals in Malaysia, so we can protect any repeating offenders and profile them according to behavior, so we can tackle the challenge the right way, without any further damage to innocents (P.S: I've been watching too many Criminal Minds and Lie To Me on TV, heh).

So, I'll stop, just need a future reality check in making any future moves right now. I don't want to be left in the dark in the future. I want to illuminate it before stepping into a dark place. Are you ready for your future? What lies beyond the present you are having now? Better prepare right now, or you'll regret it. Goodbye, see you next time and Wassalam...