If there's ever an interesting event that has happened in my life, I'd tell the world in a heartbeat. Well, actually not the world but those who bother reading this then I post it in Facebook and Twitter. If you think this post will be about an interesting event, then you'll be disappointed. I'll be talking about how boring my life is now.
So, after going to many places in a space of one month, with reports, presentations and lots of ad hoc meetings, I am exhausted. But then, busying myself isn't that big of a deal, or even bad. I don't think negative stuffs, and surely my mind will work optimally when I busy myself with important work. you know, being lethargic is slowly killing me. I can't sit in one place for a long period. I will go nuts and do random act of weirdness. To tell you the truth, I was so bored last Friday afternoon, my roommate in office wasn't in the office that day, I opened my shirt and did push ups and sweat off for no damn reason. The worst part is, I only did 20 (painfully slow) and I was sweating profusely. Thank God I had a towel to wipe of the sweat.
I dunno, I'm getting restless. Any news of someone moving on with life makes me damn scared. Friends getting married, furthering their studies (PhD), doing some mind-blowing business, getting smarter than me, etc. I. AM. FREAKING. OUT. FOR. NO. REASON. I feel like crap, as if I'm not contributing anything to the community or even myself to improve whatever that is that needs to improve. I feel like shit right now, typing this, cuz not many of you would care about it anyways.
Yeah, I see people progressing, and I feel like I'm being left behind, like they found something right in their lives, and it kinda makes me jealous, or pressured in finding that meaning of life. That Personal Legend, seems like they are all happy and I'm the one brave enough,or foolish enough, to show how dissatisfied I am with myself. I don't have high expectations, I just feel like, I can do better than this. I can do something big, a stamp mark in history of my life and those who know me. I need clarity. My mind is befuddled and everything is a blur to me. I'm lost. I have no direction to where I'm supposed to go, and it's frustrating!
I know I'm still 24, but by 24, there are some people who are successful at my age. Their names slip my mind, but I feel like there's more to it than just being ORDINARY. There, I hate the word, so I will type it once. I wanna travel the world, make new friends who aren't Malaysian, I wanna feel lost in a world that I am not accustomed to.
And no, don't say I'm not thankful for what I have now. Trust me, I am. What I just wanna say is that, being mediocre (another word I hate) is what makes me a very boring person. Not a single person would bother to talk to me if I go silent. I say something, no one replies. I feel like a damn Alien in this world. It's not attention seeking, it's just that I don't know if I belong to any group or clique and accept for who I am. I'm like that weird off-putting pattern if mixed in a group of people. I go invisible and people either don't care I existed or maybe they just don't know how to react to my answers.
Heck, I did a presentation in an INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE, and NO ONE WANTED TO ASK ME A SINGLE DAMN QUESTION. I find that frustrating and downright disappointing. Maybe they just don't care. Other people presented, and they got a question or two. They cared about other topics, but for my topic: Zilch.
It's like, even if I die, people wouldn't bother coming t my funeral. This is all in my mind. I dunno bout you readers but I am freaking out. I dunno where I belong in this world. I feel misplaced. I'm that odd-one out where when I join a group, they will disperse and do their own thing. I open my mouth, no one bothers to listen and give their thoughts about it. I HATE IT.
Yeah, before I continue and drop countless F-bombs in quick successions, it would be better if I stop here. This is just a personal rant of mine. If you read this far, I really dunno what to say. Thanks, I guess? Being an introvert and socially awkward is such a crutch to me. Soooo... that's it. If you ever wanna talk to me, feel free. I'll try my best to answer back, if I'm not busy doing work. Bottom line is: I need company. Goodbye readers. Remember, NO MAN IS AN ISLAND. I forgot the next sentence, but the I'm too lazy to Google it. Peace, I'm out!
