If you're reading this, stop, don't panic, it's me, Rizal. I know I've been out for months in here. Deep breaths, breathe in.... breathe out...
Okay, hey readers! I'm back! Typing is such a drag actually, but sometimes it's better off typing in my thoughts rather than saying it in the podcast. Oh hey, in case you didn't know, I have 24 episodes uploaded on Soundcloud! Rambling Monkeys Podcast is booming. People are listening to it every week and I get to meet awesome people along the way.
You see, I've been working for almost, what, more than 2 years now? I haven't had a decent days off or vacation to relax and contemplate about my life. Going back to meeting new people, it's cool to meet them, but sometimes, I've been so out of touch with reality, when I meet real people to talk too, I don't want them to go away or leave, and at the same time, I just wanted them to just stand there, but not talk to me. It's confusing, I want someone there but not talk to me. Even I confuse myself with this train of thought.
Meeting new people from the podcast, I get to see how they think, how they response, how they articulate their words, their emotions towards a topic, their body language. I just can't seem to stop analyzing and making people uncomfortable with me staring straight at them when I talk. If looks could kill, I'd get my ass thrown in jail and the key melted so I'll be locked in a delusional cell forever.
I love the interaction of people, something we take for granted, Maybe, maybe you guys meet your friends everyday. I don't. I sometimes don't meet anyone at all, except my colleagues and family members. Also, social media (I'm a Twitter junkie, and screw off Facebook!) isn't helping. I need people right in front of me, existing in front of me. Talking to me. Ask anyone that has met me. I can go on for hours, changing topics to other topics to gossiping to politics to pop culture to jokes, yada yada yada... THAT'S ME.
That's just me. I think we are losing the fundamental thing in communication which is face-to-face communication. You listen to their tone, serious, happy, sad, sarcastic, angry, etc. instead of using emoticons, emojis or dots and lines ;-[ (Yeah, I'm looking like this when I'm typing this). It's like I'm being given some shitty, cloned medicine just to get by, day by day. However, that loneliness and that fear of abandonment and being ignored has been successfully eradicated from my brain. Well, not really gone gone, but at least it's not there to control my thoughts and deteriorate my mental state.
I miss my Uni days, Masters, not degree, didn't enjoy my degree days one bit (too many dramas and shit to do just to survive 3 years). I will always have someone to sit with me, eat with me and tak about almost anything I can elaborate or give opinions about. That was the peak of my life, I was losing weight because I was happy. I had spare time to even run on the treadmill 2 times per day!
Now, stress from work, paying my parents, bills and then gas money, Touch N' Go needs to be topped up... I feel tired every night. I wanna go out on a vacation, but I dunno where or who to go with. The happiness of being a working adult is a fantasy. There's nothing fun about being an adult. Freedom is not served on a platter because you are an adult, it is actually tied to responsibilities, acting civil all the time, watch what you say in social media, pay taxes, etc. It's suppressing my creative juice. I tried my very best to be creative, to write a poem. One God damn poem. I failed. Miserably. Even with the podcast, still, I am in a standstill, pushing a boulder uphill, feeling relaxed when it hits a flat side of a surface, but you know you have to push it again to go to the next flat surface of the hill.
Maybe dreading is also killing my vibe ( or mojo, whatever kids call it nowadays). I have become a bit of a pessimist. A cynic that sees the world as a selfish machine running in hate fuel, RON92 type of fuel. No, RON88 EURO1, dirtier than the fuel that we use now. We are driven by self promotion, yearning for other people's acceptance and people taking notice about our existence and credibility as a functioning society of the new, millennial generation. All I wanted, is just people talking to me, doesn't matter who. Talk about something we both like. Looking at me, I'm an omnivore when in comes to knowledge. I consume everything. As long as it is something useful and interesting, I'd totally be all over it.
Just think about it, a life where our mouths are just used for eating, but not talking, because we freakin' talk in social media. We might as well sign up as a handicapped person, a mute. There's something about the voice and the vibration in the right decibel of someone dropping knowledge about anything, makes me feel calm and relax. I smile and appreciate their energy in telling their thoughts, opinions, or rants. I don't care, I don't discriminate. I listen to everything, I may disagree with what you said but at least it is SPOKEN. I admire people like that. Wish I could be that person one day. Not as a teacher, but the bearer of new found information or knowledge to make our lives better.
For now, I jack off to Naughty Allie and read 1984 when I have the time. Most of the time I'm playing video games. Another stress reliever, but without communication. This is an exception. I enjoy playing games,but wish I could talk about it with my family though. Hey, Fallout 4 will be released next week. Pre-ordered the Pip Boy Edition baby! I'm gonna wear that over-sized smart watch to work. Hahaha! ALL ABOARD THE HYPE TRAIN!
On the other hand, maybe I need to get married. Maybe. I'm not sure. Dunno if I'm ready. Maybe I'm just horny. Maybe I need to find another word for maybe to stop the over usage of maybes in this post.
Alright, wanted to talk some more, but I am at my limits before the writer block smashes my hands, turning me into an invalid. Brain also woozy after 5 days of work. Yeah, before I go, check out my Podcast: Rambling Monkeys Podcast, where I post episodes talking with guests and we talk about random things and I got to interview Rizal van Geyzel! I was a nervous wreck but I persevered and passed the interview with flying colours. Like it on Facebook, baby: RMP Facebook Page and follow the podcast on Twitter too, darling: @RamblingMonkeys. Be a good Samaritan and Like, Follow and Listen to the episode. If you like it, tell your friends and family about it. Pretty please? With a cherry on top?
See ya next time (I hope you will be more consistent in here Rizal. Don't abandon your blog, mmmkay?) and remember, in every cynic, deep down there is a disappointed idealist. Goodbye and have a good day!
-Raziel Rizalinium-
