Oh, The Drama! My Love Life and…. Marriage? Adding Dreams Too…

I get annoyed actually about the drama of reality, it hurts seeing it happening in front of your own damn eyes. Actually, it hurts a hell lot. What I want to say first in general is about the drama of the heartbroken fair maidens who just cannot cope with simple problems of the past or relationship problems. Women, you thinks I have the nerve of steel listening to them telling the problems which actually doesn’t concern me at all, let alone I care about it. I just love to listen  to it, but never ever will I be the one who will be solving it. One, I feel guilty to these women who just broke up. They are attractive little beings and somehow I have that feeling of saving the damsel in distress. However, I am not a rebounder guy. NO NO NO. I, for one am a respectable person, only to fall in love with women who have feelings to me. Not a shoulder to cry on, for reasons that doesn’t concern me and only as a pleasure seeker. They come to me, befriending me. Telling me things, stuff about their problems. They expect me to solve them, like I’m a freaking therapist or something. I do not like to be treated like a hapless guy good for only listening to your problems. Whenever they are happy, they forget me. Like I’m used up, washed up has-been. Like trash on the side-walk. Every time I see them happy with their boyfriends, or some admirers, you just can’t stop thinking, what the Hell just happened? They act flirtatious with you, pour their heart and soul to you. They instil jealousy in your heart, thinking that their boyfriends are just monsters and don’t deserve them. I, don’t want to be caught in this scandal that will certainly blow out of proportion, so I just listen. That is it. Listen. Once, I thought it was heroic to save the damsel for the wicked man, sweeping off her feet, carry her, saving her. In reality, these women are just a bunch of stupid bitches using their boobs to think instead of their brain. If the guy treats you bad, why the Hell should you still be with him? Break up. Not like you’re married or something. He makes you angry, tell him straight up. He cheated, break up. He treats you like a slut, break up, call the police. Please, don’t be afraid to act the right thing. That’s one last piece of advice I’ll give to you. Back to the scenario I gave; I had a girlfriend. A very loyal, trusting, loving girlfriend in the past. Then, came another girl, pouring her heart out, crying her eyes out on me, telling me how she broke up and can’t stand the pain of living, bla bla blibbidy boo. So, I was young, rash and hormonally imbalance, and a becoming scoundrel, I flirted with her, telling her the guy was a fool for letting her go. I courted her. Then, she became my girlfriend, without telling my other girlfriend. So, I got confused, regretting what I did, I stupidly broke up with my trusting, loving, loyal girlfriend and ran off with the other one. She was broken-hearted.  Couldn’t do anything. I truly loved her, she was really dear to me. We could’ve gone far with each other. Several months later, after falling from a higher ground with bone-crunching sound effect, a boulder followed on and crushing me underneath it. Metaphorically. Turns out the girl I’ve been dating, IS a bitch. A whiny one too. She only looks at me for money. I was too blind to see what has happened, lost everything in this so called game of love. My ex found another man, I broke up with her, with anger and over the top shouting match enthusiasm, just to think the prospect of bitch slapping that whore of a slut, I broke up. Then, I moved on with my Life. Other relationships after that are mutual. Things get bored actually. I keep living in fear when being in a relationship. I wanna be in a relationship, but it is the fear of a woman scorned, the heart-breaking, the cheating, the materialistic woman, the perfectionist, the dependant woman, you name it, I’ve seen it all. Never have I dated a PDA woman. The horror of her touching and grabbing you in public is frightening. The “You feed me, I feed you” action, is inexcusable. I can feed myself thank you very much. I’m not a baby you can’t spoon myself or bite properly. So, after that, I became cautious when women come to me and tell their secrets. I tried, but I am a weak man when I see a beautiful woman come to me with the desire to tell her secrets and pour her soul into the problem, thinking I’m the only guy that can save her. That is indeed a lie. I cannot believe again on what they are saying anymore. The latest one, yeah, she doesn’t know yet. I completely detest her for like telling we are friends and how special I was to her. Her actions doesn’t emit the friendliness of her. I misinterpreted her as a flirt than a friendly gesture. And when she said we were friends, I felt insulted. Am I nothing to her? She likes another man that left her for another girl, which by the way, I did it a long time ago in a land far far away. I was so mad for no reason that she is in the same position of the woman I used to love. However, she ignited my anger in reliving that dark past that I don’t want to remember, so I felt hatred growing inside of me. Towards her. I just don’t want to be with her in any way and will not intend to communicate with her anymore. She is nothing to me. It hurts my pride, that I’m nothing to her. I know it sounds selfish, but I’m trying to forget the past, to be a good friend. Somehow, I can’t I gave up on this matter. I couldn’t bear going through what she has gone through, again. No, I will march on, find love like a normal person would do. Scandal free, proper introduction, and love at first sight, or eighth. I just can’t proclaim the love of my life to all the beautiful girls and toy with their emotions when I get bored. I just want to reform, be a normal, respected by woman, making them happy with me, as a friend. The fear of commitment is also not helping me with this situation I’m going through. A future worry for me is marriage. It’s a responsible to anyone who is ready to get married, to make sure the bloodline and lineage flows perfectly. I cannot bear the fact that I imagine myself marrying at a young age. I haven’t enjoyed single life to the fullest. I wanna go around the world by myself, I wanna do my Masters, a PhD, without thinking of a wife and children to feed and give clothes and diapers. I wanna work first, have a house, a transport, car preferably, lots of money for the future, then I can get married. It’s not the 19^th century or 18^th century and anything below that. We don’t marry for money right now. It is just something that needs to be done. Out of love, not arranged. I see myself getting married when I’m above 30. Twenties isn’t a good idea, even 29. It should be filled with a list of things to do before I get married. Like, things I just said above. Clubbing, I think, go bungee jumping, write a book, travelling, honeymooning with myself. Umrah and Haji with family, go to Amsterdam, London, Norwich, Paris, Istanbul, Edinburgh, Cardiff, Dublin, Rome, Madrid, Sevilla, Lisbon, Brussels, Cairo, Memphis, and God is Great, hopefully Palestine, where I can roam free without someone telling me what or what not to do. An adventure of my own before shackling myself with a wife. Flirting with many girls as possible, but I think I learn the hard lesson from there. I haven’t flirted with a foreign girl before. I wish I can do that. If my dad can marry my mom, who is a Filipino, why can’t I? Surely I can do whatever I please. Not that marriage is in my mind that time. Just mutual friendship. To be friends with people all over the world, sharing our secrets and cultures. Oh yeah, I wanna go to Australia, New Zealand, and all the Oceania countries, like Tuvalu, Vanuatu, Timbuktu. Central America and South America.  Aruba, Jamaica, Bermuda, Bahamas, Cuba, Honduras, Belize, Mexico, Brazil, Argentina, Peru, Trinidad and Tobago. Maybe I like going places, maybe I should work in Travel and Living. Beats me from sitting at home and watching it from the television. I wanna see the world, like Ian Wright, except not being gay. I wanna cross the Sahara desert. Ride a camel, buying kinky clothes from Dar Khadija. OK, that was a joke. I feel like I don’t want my feet to be firm on the ground. I want to fly to places, learning is never enough and never will be. Crossing the Silk Road is tempting too.  There are so many things that I want to do. Even if I get married, I only limit myself in going to Asian countries alone. Europe is a bit too expensive for a married couple with children. I wanna be able to tell my children about the adventures I’ve been to foreign countries, and hopefully, bring my wife to places that I like the most. So, that is what I wanna share with you, my dreams, fears, view of marriage and my secret adventurous heart which I have kept for so long. No one knows except those who read this. I thank you if you stick to me until this last part of this blog entry. Wishes do come true, if you work hard enough for it, you will get it. With this, I bid you goodbye, see you next time, and salaam… 

Bad, Bad Poetry...

Maybe today,
Maybe tomorrow,
I won't say,
Words filled with sorrow,

I stand behind you,
Heart full of treason,
A head full of rage,
A life-long lesson,

True heart desire,
Mouth of a liar,
You're always joking.
Too bad you're choking,

You fall in disgrace,
You lie defaced,
I lie in a pool of blood,
Flowing like a flash flood,

We burn in Hell,
We both can't tell,
We heave a sigh,
As we both die,

We perish in fire,
For our hearts desire,
We look to the moon,
Singing an evil tune,

A man broken,
A soul mistaken,
You drown in your own vomit,
With the sins you commit,

Stand toe to toe,
Fall like a domino,
The world is flat,
Too bad it got fat,

Lust rules the mind,
You can't find,
Words cut sharp,
Like a broken string harp,

Your eyes are blind to see,
This bad, bad poetry,
Leave it, let it be,
Please, leave me be...