I guess by reading the title that I still yet to name, I hope you would spend some time reading the message that I'm trying to convey.
You see, n this world where some people have it harder, where they're not that good looking, they hate their life, thinking that they are always inferior to others and it is embedded in their sorry brain. Well, that's me. THAT'S ME.
I grew up having a fairy tale childhood where it is all sugar, spice and everything nice. Up until I got into secondary school, I got bullied relentlessly for 3 years. From there, I started to hate myself. I took my parents advice that I think was a bad move regarding bullying: "Just let them be. They'll be tired of making fun of you and will go away". You see, that didn't work out well, it got worse and they didn't leave me alone.
I created this notion where if I hate myself even more than others hate me, it'll alleviate the pain I'm going through. I hated more than I loved. I hated the human population equally. I learn I'm not born in this world to please every soul thinking they deserve it and demand it like they own me.
I was that messed up back then and the only salvation I got was listening to music and writing poems. I wrote a lot, my thoughts, my opinions on how our social structure is flawed, where as men we should look all macho and be handsome all the time, be flirty and have a six-pack, buff body. Girls for me I generalized as a weak gender only knows that they desperately need a man to love them and care for them as if their lives depend on it. I didn't make this up, I listen to girls when they talk, how they ogle at guys and how they would throw themselves the moment the guy noticed them.
I wrote poetry, rather angst-ridden, fuck-you-all, emo, I'd-rather-die-than-bow-to-your-social-acceptance-bullshit stuff. I find it difficult to find in this country where the role is reversed. A shy, introverted guy falls in love with a strong-headed gal. Most of them actually fall for the one's that are outstanding and perfect. I can't blame them, it's natural to love beautiful things in life.
I can't love beautiful things, because it is impossible for me to go to that level where I can be in the circle of those who are comfortable with their physical appearance. I started podcasting because I don't want to show my ugly face, my fat body. Heck, my voice sounds fucking weird, but I brave myself to voice myself as I won't have an outlet to release all my ideas, frustration and rants. Yes, you can say "Go work out, dummy. You would look handsome and fit and girls will take notice of you. Easy". Yeah, let me say this to you, gym rats: I don't care if my body is like Ryan Gosling, I still would suffer from low self-esteem because people judge you silently. You're fat, you're automatically lazy. You're fit, you must be a health freak that shove's your opinions down on everybody's throat regarding your lifestyle and people must follow it so they could be like you.
I do not bend to others that easily. People tell me, "Lose weight the way I do. It's effective! Where this product, you'll look better!" Yeah, sorry, if I wanted to do it, I'll do it myself. I can't stand the coaching as if I need someone to hold my hand to do something, as if you're successful, helping others cuz you think you were horrible before and think other people are the same just like you. Guess what? NO! We're not the same and we will never be! But I will try my very best to become healthy and not succumb to pride when I am fit and healthy. I will not teach you how to be healthy, go ask Kevin Zahri or any other health freaks out there.
If you succeed, Good For You! (clap clap) I applaud you in achieving your life goals. However, I don't care at all about it. If I wanted help, I will limit to what extent you can help. You get me?
Because of my upbringing, I am incapable of loving others. Now, I really wanna learn how to love a human being. Before you go, "You gotta learn to love God first and then your family, friends and then others, blablablacksheephaveyouanywool" I do love God. It's hard for me to love another human being.
HOW CAN I LOVE SOMEONE WHEN I AM INCAPABLE OF LOVING MYSELF?
Capslocked not for screaming but to point out the problem at hand. This is why it is hard for me to find a soul mate. To find love that I don't know still exist in my body. It's hard to find someone that understands my mind, my thought process, that same wavelength where I can talk and they would understand what I'm talking about.
I HATE MYSELF FOR NOT BEING NORMAL. WHAT IS NORMAL? WHO ARE WE TO DICTATE WHAT IS NORMAL AND WHAT IS WEIRD?
No one, I mean no one in my past talked to me, encouraged me, said to me any words of wisdom, like "Life will be filled with hardships. You will stumble a lot. You will find haters even though you did nothing wrong to them. Sometimes you will face them alone. Your friends will sometimes be there for you. Sometimes it's hard for you to find a friend. Most of them are acquaintances, but no true friend. You'll fail many times, but you will bounce back and become stronger than before. That show of strength will attract people in getting to know you and maybe become your friends or enemies".
If someone would sit down with me and say those things, I would be prepared in life better than what I'm facing now. But no, people are too busy to care about others, you get shocked by reality of stepping out in the real world: social-cannibalism, I call it.
Growing up awkward is a crutch for me. I find solace with video games, because I have better control of them than my life. Everyone is progressing so fast I feel left behind, and they won't wait for you. We are stuck in a race. A race we are unwilling to participate but is forced to succeed in life.
Certain people really connect with me well, and I love them dearly. Not many understand, but quality is way better than quantity.
I'll end it here. M brain hurts. I just can't go more. I don't want to get depressed. I don't want to go through the anxiety, people judging your character if you're worthy to live in this world, the cannibalistic jealousy where we eat others to bring them down. I HATE THAT.
Goodbye, dear readers. Yeah, this post is a bit deep and depressing, but I hope you understand what I went through and what I'm going through right now. Thanks if you read this far. I hope when I die, you will understand that there are many others like me, that needs attention and acceptance, not attention whoring, but to know that they exist and need to you to be with them so they won't grow up being bitter and hateful towards the world. Don't coddle or coach them, they hate that, it shows as if you're superior towards them. Be their friend. They will appreciate it greatly.
May peace be upon you.
No comments:
Post a Comment