1. A man comes home from work, walksinto his bedromm and finds a man having sex with his wife. He asks,” What the hell are you doing?” His wife turns to the man and says,” See, I told you he was stupid!”
2. A waitress in a restaurant notices 3 japanese businessmen sitting at a table masturbating furiously.” What the hell are you guys doing?” she asks. ” I’m so sorry,” says one of the men. ” But we very, very, hungry… We been waiting for hours.” “But what’s that got to do with you three jacking off?” asks the waitress. The man replies, ” Menu say ‘first come, first serve’!”
3. George Bush dies and goes to hell. The Devil tells him there are out of rooms to torture him so the Devil lets George pick his punishment. After a long walk, suddenly, The Devil opens a door and finds Bill Clinton, tied to a chair with Monica Lewinsky bent over him giving him a blowjob. Gearge says,”That looks good- I’ll take it.” “Finally!”exclaims the Devil. “Okay Monica, you’re free to go!”
4. A little girl goes up to her father and says,”Daddy, when my cat died, why did it lie on its back with its legs in the air?” Her dad replies, “Well, because It will be easier for God to grab hold of him and pull him up to heaven.” “Oh no!” cries the girl. “That means Mom almost died last afternoon!” “What d’you mean?” asks her dad. “Well,” the girl replies. “When I lokked into Mom’s room she was lying on the bed with her legs in the air shouting, ” Oh God! Oh God! I’m coming!” and if it hadn’t have been the mailman holding her down, he would have taken her!”
5. A few months after his parents’ divorce, Little Johnny passes his mother’s bedroom and sees her rubbing her body and moaning, “Oh… I need a man, I need a man!” A few days later, he comes home from school and hears her moaning again. He peeks into her bedroom and sees a man on top of her. Little Johnny runs into his room, tears off his clothes and starts stroking himself, “Oh… I need a bike… I need a bike!”
6. A drunk is out looking for a brothel but he takes a wrong turn and ends up in a podiatrist’s. The receptionist shows him to a couch in a curtained cubicle and tells him to get ready. The drunk strips off and playfully sticks his erection through the gap in the curtains. He hears someone scream, “oh my God! That’s not a foot!” “God damn!” says the drunk. ” I didn’t know they had a minimum…”
7. A man has a costume party where the guests have to come as a human emotion. On the big night the first guest arrives covered in green paint with the letters “N” and “V” painted on his chest. “Great outfit,” says the host. “What emotion is that?” The guest replies,” Green with En-Vy”. A few minutes later, a woman covered in a oink body stocking with feather boa wrapped around her intimate parts. “And what emotion are you?” asks the host. The guest replies, “I’m tickled pink.” Next, His two Jamaican friends, Bob and Sean came. Bob is butt-naked with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and Sean is butt-naked with his penis stuck in a pear.” What the hell?! What’s this?” asks the host. Bob replies,” Well, I’m fucking disgusted, and Sean here has come in despair!”.
8. A man went to a exotic bar, but is told that no girls are available. “We do have a pig though,” says the madam. ” She very popular-you can have her half price.” The man thinks he might as well, so he pays up and is shown into a room with a sow in it. He has sex and enjoys the experience so much he returns the next day. ” Sorry, no pig today-why not try special show? One of our girls is having sex with donkey.” The man agress and is shown into a darkened room that has a wall covered with peepholes. He looks through one and sees a girl screwing the donkey. “Wow!” he says. “This is great!” One of the customers turns and says,”If you think this is great, you should have come yesterday. They had this guy fucking a pig!”
9. Three guys where put in the same cell room. Three of them bought something to entertain themselves. The first one brought a pack of cards so that they can play poker. The secong brought a radio so they can listen to the music. However, the third prisoner bought a box of tampons.”That won’t do anything for us, y’know… Only women use it.” says the first prisoner. “That’s not true! At the box it says that we can use it to ski, swim, and play tennis!”
10. A teacher asks her class for a sentence with a word “beautiful” in it twice. Little Suzy was first, she says,” my father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.” ” Very good, Suzy,” replies the teacher. She then calls Michael. ” My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,” he says.”Excellent, Michael!” says the teacher. Then, she called Little Johnny. ” Last night my sister told my father that she was pregnant and he said,’Beautiful, fucking beautiful!”
11.A teacher asks her class some questions, telling them that the first to answer can go home early. “Who said ‘Four score and seven years ago’?” she says. Little Johnny sticks his hand up, but Little Suzy beats him to it, “Abraham Lincoln. “Good, Suzy. You can go home now.” Now, who said ‘Think not what your country can do for you’?” Little Johnny’s hand shoots up, but he’s beaten by Little Pattie. “President Kennedy,” she says. “Very good,” replies the teacher. “Gawd!” says Johnny. ” I wish these fucking bitches would keep their mouth shut.” ” Who said that?” demands the teacher. “President Bush!” shouts Little Johnny. ” Now can I get out of here?!”
12. A teacher asks John to make up a sentence including the word “fascinate.” John thinks for a moment and then says,” My girlfriend has a green sweater with nine buttons but her titties are so big she can only fasten eight!”
13. There’s an English lesson at school: Each student has to stand up and speak a sentence using one spelling word. Tommy’s word is “love”, so he gets up and says, “Sara says she loves me.” Billy’s word is “hate,” so he gets up and says, “Sara says she hates me.” Johnny’s word is “dictate”, so he gets up and says,” Sara says my dictate good!”
Hope you enjoy the jokes and don’t ever use it in front of your parents. And also don’t blame me if you got busted reading these sick jokes. It’s your fault reading it. Again, ENJOY!!! by Rizalinium….
